I Don’t Know What Christmas Is (But Christmastime Is Here) Old 97's

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[Intro]
Out on the third planet closest to the sun
There's a special celebration
And it sounds quite fun
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
On a holiday they call Christmas
Now I'm not gonna lie
It makes no sense to me
But here's what Earthlings told me
About this Christmas mystery
One, two, three four!

[Verse 1]
Santa is a furry freak
With epic superpowers
He flies to every human home
In under fourteen hours
He's a master burglar
A pro at pickin' locks
If you don't leave milk and cookies out
He will put dung in your socks

[Verse 2]
If you act nicely through the night
And don't jump on your bed
Santa comes with sugar plums
And hurls them at your head
But if you're on his naughty list
He shoots missiles at your toes
He might just roast your chestnuts
With his powerful flamethrower