Before I begin... Uh, young man in the third row up there. Uh, what's your name?
"Henry."
Henry? Okay, Henry. How old are we?
"Uh, 11."
Eleven. Okay, ha-ha, wonderful. You won't at all... be distracting me throughout the entire performance. Henry... Oh, man. Henry, do you... I don't mean this in a like, "Do you know who I am?" kind of way, but like, do you know, like who I am, or did, like a babysitter cancel, and suddenly you were like, in a van? You know who I am? Okay. Have you seen me do stand-up before?
"Yeah."
Okay. All right. Well, I appreciate you coming. So, um... So... the things that I talk about... tonight, that I did recently... I never say this, Henry. It's not... I don't say this explicitly, but don't. All right? Don't. You're in the sixth grade?
"Fifth."
Fifth? All right. Well, Henry, if you've seen me do stand-up before, I have kind of a different vibe now. When I was a younger man, I'd come out on stage and be like, "Hey! Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba!" And I wonder what caused that. Well, those days are over. That's it. That's over.
Okay. Here's what happened. December 18th, 2020. Henry, you were about to go on Christmas break... from the third grade. I, meanwhile, was loose in New York City, not doing well. Feral. That night, December 18th 2020, I was invited over to my friend's apartment for dinner. Exciting, right? No.
When I got there, it was a trick. There was no dinner. It was an intervention. For me. Interventions for me, are my least favorite kind of intervention. When I walked into my intervention, I knew immediately that it was an intervention.
Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have, if when you open a door, and see people gathered, your first and immediate thought is, "It's probably an intervention about my drug problem"? "There's no other reason people would be behind a door." This was my thought process, walking into my intervention that night.
"Going to dinner with a friend from college! Going to dinner with a friend from college! Going to dinner with a friend from college! What's Seth Meyers doing here? Fuck!"
"Henry."
Henry? Okay, Henry. How old are we?
"Uh, 11."
Eleven. Okay, ha-ha, wonderful. You won't at all... be distracting me throughout the entire performance. Henry... Oh, man. Henry, do you... I don't mean this in a like, "Do you know who I am?" kind of way, but like, do you know, like who I am, or did, like a babysitter cancel, and suddenly you were like, in a van? You know who I am? Okay. Have you seen me do stand-up before?
"Yeah."
Okay. All right. Well, I appreciate you coming. So, um... So... the things that I talk about... tonight, that I did recently... I never say this, Henry. It's not... I don't say this explicitly, but don't. All right? Don't. You're in the sixth grade?
"Fifth."
Fifth? All right. Well, Henry, if you've seen me do stand-up before, I have kind of a different vibe now. When I was a younger man, I'd come out on stage and be like, "Hey! Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba!" And I wonder what caused that. Well, those days are over. That's it. That's over.
Okay. Here's what happened. December 18th, 2020. Henry, you were about to go on Christmas break... from the third grade. I, meanwhile, was loose in New York City, not doing well. Feral. That night, December 18th 2020, I was invited over to my friend's apartment for dinner. Exciting, right? No.
When I got there, it was a trick. There was no dinner. It was an intervention. For me. Interventions for me, are my least favorite kind of intervention. When I walked into my intervention, I knew immediately that it was an intervention.
Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have, if when you open a door, and see people gathered, your first and immediate thought is, "It's probably an intervention about my drug problem"? "There's no other reason people would be behind a door." This was my thought process, walking into my intervention that night.
"Going to dinner with a friend from college! Going to dinner with a friend from college! Going to dinner with a friend from college! What's Seth Meyers doing here? Fuck!"
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