[Scene starts in a Christmas Store]
KIMMY: This is a year-round Christmas store? You must be the happiest woman on Earth!
TERRY: I'm a man.
KIMMY: That's great. Anyway, I saw this...(pulls out a "Help Wanted" sign) at the sign store, and I bought it to prove how serious I am about working here.
TERRY: Yeah, we're not really hiring. It's just...
KIMMY: (screams)I've got a bomb! (in normal voice) And now that I've got your attention, here's my resume.(hands resume to Terry)
TERRY: (looks at resume) This says you were a babysitter from 1997 to 1998, then there's a 15-year gap
KIMMY: Look, I know I'm not perfect, but let me tell you about another imperfect employee. His name was Rudolph, and he was a joke. Some say his mother made it with a doorbell light, but when he was given a chance, Rudolph went down in history, and that reindeer's name was Rudolph. All I'm asking for is a chance to get my life back on track. Last week, I threw myself at a married man.
I'm like a lollipop with a question mark on its wrapper. I don't know what's going on inside. But if anything can remind me of what's good and right in the world, it's this place. They say there's a war on Christmas. Well, sir, put me on the front line, 'cause if any Grinches or Scrooges dare come over that hill, I'll make them wish they'd never been born!
CUTTO: Kimmy walking down the street in an elf costume. She spots a pair of Orthodox Jews.
KIMMY: Oh, no. Those Santas must be coming from a funeral. I'm so sorry for your loss, Santas.
As Kimmy continues walking down the street, a car crashes into a cluster of trash cans right in front of her.
KIMMY: Jeepers! (Jackie gets out of the car)
JACKIE: Why is your phone going straight to voice mail?
KIMMY: Jacqueline, hi! Huh? (Kimmy pulls out her phone and sees that Lillian has been on the phone with her for more than 70 minutes)
LILLIAN: So not all toxic mold is black, but all black mold is toxic
KIMMY: (puts phone away) What are you doing here?
JACKIE: I need a place to stay. I just found out my ex-husband sold the town house. He's in escrow.
KIMMY: Ugh. He's such an escrow.
JACKIE: I had to clean out my closets and get the jewelry from the safe. (opens backseat door and starts getting something out of the car)
KIMMY: Of course you can stay here, but wouldn't you rather be in a fancy hotel? When I did the Today Show, they put me in a hotel where the hallways had trays of free floor food.
JACKIE: No, I can't afford that right now.
KIMMY: But you have 12 million...
JACKIE: (whispers) You shut your wet mouth! Don't ever let anyone know how little I got in the divorce. Now get me inside before someone helicopters over this neighborhood and sees me. (impersonating an old lady) Flores! Flores para los muertos! Are they buying it?
KIMMY: This is a year-round Christmas store? You must be the happiest woman on Earth!
TERRY: I'm a man.
KIMMY: That's great. Anyway, I saw this...(pulls out a "Help Wanted" sign) at the sign store, and I bought it to prove how serious I am about working here.
TERRY: Yeah, we're not really hiring. It's just...
KIMMY: (screams)I've got a bomb! (in normal voice) And now that I've got your attention, here's my resume.(hands resume to Terry)
TERRY: (looks at resume) This says you were a babysitter from 1997 to 1998, then there's a 15-year gap
KIMMY: Look, I know I'm not perfect, but let me tell you about another imperfect employee. His name was Rudolph, and he was a joke. Some say his mother made it with a doorbell light, but when he was given a chance, Rudolph went down in history, and that reindeer's name was Rudolph. All I'm asking for is a chance to get my life back on track. Last week, I threw myself at a married man.
I'm like a lollipop with a question mark on its wrapper. I don't know what's going on inside. But if anything can remind me of what's good and right in the world, it's this place. They say there's a war on Christmas. Well, sir, put me on the front line, 'cause if any Grinches or Scrooges dare come over that hill, I'll make them wish they'd never been born!
CUTTO: Kimmy walking down the street in an elf costume. She spots a pair of Orthodox Jews.
KIMMY: Oh, no. Those Santas must be coming from a funeral. I'm so sorry for your loss, Santas.
As Kimmy continues walking down the street, a car crashes into a cluster of trash cans right in front of her.
KIMMY: Jeepers! (Jackie gets out of the car)
JACKIE: Why is your phone going straight to voice mail?
KIMMY: Jacqueline, hi! Huh? (Kimmy pulls out her phone and sees that Lillian has been on the phone with her for more than 70 minutes)
LILLIAN: So not all toxic mold is black, but all black mold is toxic
KIMMY: (puts phone away) What are you doing here?
JACKIE: I need a place to stay. I just found out my ex-husband sold the town house. He's in escrow.
KIMMY: Ugh. He's such an escrow.
JACKIE: I had to clean out my closets and get the jewelry from the safe. (opens backseat door and starts getting something out of the car)
KIMMY: Of course you can stay here, but wouldn't you rather be in a fancy hotel? When I did the Today Show, they put me in a hotel where the hallways had trays of free floor food.
JACKIE: No, I can't afford that right now.
KIMMY: But you have 12 million...
JACKIE: (whispers) You shut your wet mouth! Don't ever let anyone know how little I got in the divorce. Now get me inside before someone helicopters over this neighborhood and sees me. (impersonating an old lady) Flores! Flores para los muertos! Are they buying it?
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