Clementine Tom Lehrer

Spoken introduction:
I should like to consider the folk song, and expound briefly on a theory I have held for some time, to the effect that the reason most folk songs are so atrocious is that they were written by the people. If professional songwriters had written them instead, things might have turned out considerably differently. For example, consider the old favorite with which, I'm sure, you're all familiar, "Clementine", you know:

In a cavern, in a canyon
Dadada dadadada

(Spoken)
...a song with no recognizable merit whatsoever – and imagine what might have happened if, for example, Cole Porter had tried writing this song. The first verse might have come out like this:

(Cole Porter Style)
In a cavern
In a canyon
Excava-hay-hay-hehting for
A mine
Far away from the BOOM-BOOM-BOOM
Of the city –
She was so pretty
What a pity – Clementine!
Oh, Clementine
Can't you tell from the howls of me
This love of mine
Calls to you from the bowels of me
Are, you, dis-CERning
The reTURning
Of this CHURning
BURning
YEARning for you
And –