Iwiwal Loudon Wainwright III

I wish I was a lesbian, and not a hetero
I wouldn't have mess with men and all their come and go
And all that awful facial hair and yucky machis'mo!
I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero!

I wish I was a lesbian and that I wasn't straight
I'd sleep with women only—man, it would be great
I could throw away my diaphragm, I wouldn't wanna mate
I wish I was a lesbian, and that I wasn't straight, hey!

I wish I was a lesbian, I'd like to be a dyke
I would hang with K. D. Lang—Mel Gibson, take a hike!
I think it would be nice to love someone who was alike
I wish I was a lesbian, I'd like to be a dyke!

I wish I was a lesbian, that's why this song is sung
It shouldn't have to matter how someone is hung
Other things are more important—like how you use your tongue!
I wish I was a lesbian, that's why this song is sung!
(I dare Casey Kasem to play this!)

I wish I was a lesbian I know it's sad but true
But maybe I might understand you guys and all you do
But if I was a lesbian, I wouldn't have to!

I wish I was a lesbian, and not a hetero
I wouldn't have to deal with men and all their come and go
And all that awful facial hair and yucky machis'mo
(I hate that damn machis'mo!)
I wish I was a lesbian and not a hetero!