I walk into my intervention two hours late. According to my friends, this is what I said. "Okay!"
I'd just been to my drug dealer's apartment, so I immediately yelled out, "Before we start, can I go to the bathroom?" And they said no. And I said, "Ah".
Then this intervention lady that they'd hired runs up to me, and she goes, "Hi." And I said, "Wrong energy!"
I walk into this intervention. Now, listen, everyone there at the intervention is really worried about me. They're all concеrned about my physical well-being. But I stroll in thеre, I am cocaine-skinny, with a new haircut. They've all been in heavy quarantine for nine months. They looked like shit. I was the best-looking person at my intervention, by a mile. Everyone there looked like Jerry Garcia.
I walk in the room, there's six of my friends sitting there in person in New York. And six of my friends over Zoom, from LA.
You may be thinking, "Hey, if that was me, I would have been like, 'If you're so worried about me, how come you didn't fly in?'" Don't worry. I said that several times. I said that multiple times throughout the night.
The intervention lady goes, "Here, let me show you your chair." I had a special chair. 'Cause I was belle of the ball. And I'm about to sit down in my chair, when a friend of mine in the corner goes, "I thought they were gonna tackle him." "You thought they were gonna what?" "You know, like on Intervention." "I thought they were gonna tackle you." "That's To Catch a Predator." "Are you disappointed now that they're not gonna tackle me?" He went, "Yeah, I'm a little disappointed."
I sit down in my chair, I face all these rats. Look. Let me just call this out now, I don't mean to be weird. It was a star-studded intervention. It was like a good group. It was a good group. As mad as I was when I walked in there, I was like, "This is a good lineup. This is very... This is really flattering in its own way." It was like a "We Are the World" of alternative comedians over the age of 40.
All comedians. Yet no one said a funny thing the entire night.
Before I got there, they promised each other that they wouldn't do bits. I was going psychotic. I am sitting there in an awful chair, crashing from cocaine. No one will let me go to the bathroom to freshen up. And the funniest people in the world are staring at me, refusing to do jokes! It was maddening!
Fred Armisen was serious. Do you know how off-putting that is? He didn't do a character or a voice. He was just like, "Hey, John, I'm really worried about everything that you're going through." And I was like "Ah! Next! Next!"
By the way, for most of this intervention, I was determined not to go to rehab. a.k.a., "Lose." My plan was to destabilize the leader lady. If I could get the others to question her authority... I thought the whole thing would fall apart like a house of cards. I was hoping, eventually, they'd be like, "I don't know, the haircut, the confidence, maybe we should make him the leader and send this lady to rehab."
At one point I was standing at an open window, chain-smoking, in December in New York City. You know, the way a sober person would. And I looked at her and I said, "Were you even prepped for me?" And she said, "Yes. But everyone said you were very nice."
I'd just been to my drug dealer's apartment, so I immediately yelled out, "Before we start, can I go to the bathroom?" And they said no. And I said, "Ah".
Then this intervention lady that they'd hired runs up to me, and she goes, "Hi." And I said, "Wrong energy!"
I walk into this intervention. Now, listen, everyone there at the intervention is really worried about me. They're all concеrned about my physical well-being. But I stroll in thеre, I am cocaine-skinny, with a new haircut. They've all been in heavy quarantine for nine months. They looked like shit. I was the best-looking person at my intervention, by a mile. Everyone there looked like Jerry Garcia.
I walk in the room, there's six of my friends sitting there in person in New York. And six of my friends over Zoom, from LA.
You may be thinking, "Hey, if that was me, I would have been like, 'If you're so worried about me, how come you didn't fly in?'" Don't worry. I said that several times. I said that multiple times throughout the night.
The intervention lady goes, "Here, let me show you your chair." I had a special chair. 'Cause I was belle of the ball. And I'm about to sit down in my chair, when a friend of mine in the corner goes, "I thought they were gonna tackle him." "You thought they were gonna what?" "You know, like on Intervention." "I thought they were gonna tackle you." "That's To Catch a Predator." "Are you disappointed now that they're not gonna tackle me?" He went, "Yeah, I'm a little disappointed."
I sit down in my chair, I face all these rats. Look. Let me just call this out now, I don't mean to be weird. It was a star-studded intervention. It was like a good group. It was a good group. As mad as I was when I walked in there, I was like, "This is a good lineup. This is very... This is really flattering in its own way." It was like a "We Are the World" of alternative comedians over the age of 40.
All comedians. Yet no one said a funny thing the entire night.
Before I got there, they promised each other that they wouldn't do bits. I was going psychotic. I am sitting there in an awful chair, crashing from cocaine. No one will let me go to the bathroom to freshen up. And the funniest people in the world are staring at me, refusing to do jokes! It was maddening!
Fred Armisen was serious. Do you know how off-putting that is? He didn't do a character or a voice. He was just like, "Hey, John, I'm really worried about everything that you're going through." And I was like "Ah! Next! Next!"
By the way, for most of this intervention, I was determined not to go to rehab. a.k.a., "Lose." My plan was to destabilize the leader lady. If I could get the others to question her authority... I thought the whole thing would fall apart like a house of cards. I was hoping, eventually, they'd be like, "I don't know, the haircut, the confidence, maybe we should make him the leader and send this lady to rehab."
At one point I was standing at an open window, chain-smoking, in December in New York City. You know, the way a sober person would. And I looked at her and I said, "Were you even prepped for me?" And she said, "Yes. But everyone said you were very nice."
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