I Don’t Need to Have a Better Day, I Need to Feel Better About This One Neil Hilborn

There's some truth to what Hugh once said
About how a lot of the time I don't wanna die,
I'm just embarrassed and that makes me long for death
Not death, but just not being here
I would rather die than confront my mistakes
And I spent long enough fixing nothing so I could feel nothing
That now, it's just mistakes all the way down
So yes, when tasked with admitting something is wrong,
I do genuinely consider how much it's going to disrupt
The already precarious life I built for myself

Just a slight push from embarrassment might be enough
To tip over this weaving - this wheezing, expensive machine
If my things are going to be scattered all over the street,
Why not leave before I see them thrown?

I know, I do, that I feel this way now and I will not feel this way soon
I know that the aphorisms, even if I hate them, are right
This, too, shall pass - blah blah,
Darkest - blah blah - dawn,
And I know, it's rude to leave your messes for someone else
But consider also that I'm a mess, and I make people deal with me pretty constantly

Consider that most of every day is me crying alone in a car or bedroom
Over nothing
Goddamn nothing, and
Consider this is supposed to get better as I get older
And it's getting worse
No one warned me that I would just get more anxious
Consider the future, and how I've seen it
And maybe it's not worth seeing again