Live On Broadway Robin Williams

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams
Thank you!
Peace!
Are you safe up there?
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Oh, yes!
Oh, yes, my little salmon headed friend!
OK. Good night! Thank you very much!
Thank you for the standing ovations! We had the orgasm up front.
Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.
We are here in New York, fucking New York!
Yes!
Obviously this is not gonna be a normal night of theater!
This will be Shakespeare with a strap on!
So that's the way you like it!
Welcome to my beautiful set from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"!
Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees!
I'm over here!
I'm down here!
This is brought to you by HBO, a subsidiary of Time Warner,
also owned by America On Line..
You've got mail. I hope you don't have stocks!
Welcome!
Don't be afraid!
It was very reassuring the other day...
George W. Bush talked to the stock market and...
Him talking about business ethics
it's like having a leper giving you a facial.
It doesn't really work !
"A lot of our imports come from other countries".
No shit, Jason?!
Moving right along...
Meanwhile, Michael is protesting...
I don't know, baby...
It was strange enough when Michael was the best man at Lisa's wedding.
That for me was like you're pushing the term, my man!
That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting?
- What are you doing? - I'm the best man!
Now Michael is claiming racism.
Honey, you gotta pick a race first.
What are you claiming there? Mistreatment of elves?
Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. What are you going for?
You were Diana Ross. Now you just left it all behind.
Michael, you're not a freak. You're just surgically enhanced...
and you spend more money than the Vatican.
If you go to Neverland, it says:
"You must be this high to ride Michael"
Obviously, the lawyers at HBO are going, "Fuck!"
How fucked up would you have to be
for Al Sharpton to go, 'I'm outta here, man!'
If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,
even rats are going, 'Man, that guy's quick!'
From the Don King School of hair processing...
He's riding for office in Idaho on the
"What a fucking, wild, crazy chance in hell you'll be elected" ticket.
Sorry, my lips just went...
Probably dyslexic people went: "Thank you, Habib!"
Thank you!
We were worried about the pledge of the legions.
We're gonna say: "One nation under dog!"
It's OK.
And now people are going: "I've got a cure for this!"
One nation under Canada, above Mexico.
But then you have to the whole...
Anthems like: "Someone bless America!"
On a dollar bill, instead of "In God We Trust",
"In Gates We Trust"!
Mr Gates, when did you realize you're creating monopoly!
Monopoly is just a game, senator.
I'm trying to control the fucking world.
Have you seen Windows Millennium?
Right now it's Information Technology.
Soon it will be Total Information Technology. TIT.
And when you're sucking on the tit, I have you by the motherboard.
Don't be afraid!
It's a nice day in New York, my people.
NY police have a catch and release program. Way to go!
Stop! OK, go on again!
You there! Get the fuck outta here!
I like NY on a day like today. For a while everything went like you're OK.
People like to great new Yorkers: "Have a nice day, asshole!"
Fuck you, my friend! Enjoy your day!
But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in NY is
that the ladies take the twins for a walk!
Oh, yeah, the titties are out today!
On a hot day all the titties are out there. And God made them go like...
Beautiful titties, all shapes, sizes and women running they are going...
And then they hit a breeze and chicken's done!
Yeah, baby!
These are not like the tits in Vegas,
where even God goes: "I didn't make those!"
Fake tits are like Nazis.
They don't laugh, they don't dance, they're just...
I'm walking here!
I've seen a woman turn and the tits stayed there.
It's like they don't have any teeth because they knock them out.
I've seen tits that are really bad
with the nipples on the top. They look like Kilroy.
When you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery like...
I'm so scared, but I can't express it.
These ladies had so much surgery are going:
"What are these lumps under my eyes?"
Those are your tits, madam!
- And what's this? - Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski!
This is good news for you.
And girls getting botox injections...?
- Look, I don't have any wrinkles. - You also have no expression.
You look like you've had a slight coma, but you're beautiful.
One guy say to you: "Baby, I want you to get your tits done for me!"
Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man.
And you say: "OK, daddy man!"
Than I want you to get your balls done for me, OK ?
I want you to get those big old basket balls.
So when you do the Baywatch thingy, it's like...
Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny.
You go to the doctor...
Girls...
Payback's a bitch ! Go for it, girls !
'Cause you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so bizarre.
Temperatures were like
. It was fucking weird!
The weathermen are going:
"I don't fucking know what's going on!"
Let's just see what happens.
Flowers were like Anne Heche going: "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..."
I don't know when to go.
George came back from Japan and went: "I went to the Coyote Conference"
- No, it's Kyoto. - That's a very good car.
George, walk away.
They say there's no global warming.
But right now the North Pole is a pool.
It is beyond global warming. At this point is cooking.
At
in the middle of the country: "Is it hot enough for you?"
No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like Niagara.
I like my old man's titties to lactate, my man.
You see people in shorts and you're going: "Please, don't wear those!"
Please, don't put those on!
If you go to South West Airline:
"You're not fat, you're horizontally challenged"
Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats.
The problem is that they are not together.
And you have to put your tits in the overhead rack.
People don't mind now. We're working our way through.
All over the country we've got weird things.
In Houston they got Enron field.
We're gonna call it fifth Amendment for you.
We can't call it: "We're fucked for you!"
Arthur Anderson put in the chairs that spin both ways.
And now Martha Stuart may become somebody's bitch.
No!
Say it ain't so!
I like to consider it more like "severed companion".
If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private space,"
use the light well. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds.
Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory.
The first time she has lunch going: "You call this quash?"
Shut up, bitch! You're inside now, you're mine!
All over things have been going good. I've been to Memphis, to Graceland.
I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license.
They're some severe...
They're colors there that have never seen daylight.
I've been to Nashville, I've heard people sing songs like:
"Take your finger outta my ass, 'cause I'm leaving you behind!"
Weird shit people do now. I'm sweating like crazy up here.
It's HBO, 'cause it's live.
People playing baseball. You've got a good seat.
Yankees are kicking the game, way to go!
They did a good job. They came through.
Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids.
Here's one quick way you tell:
on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows.
So if someone steps up to the plate
with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you're out!
Poor Barry Bonds! They won't pitch to him
and when they do it, they're trying to kill him.
He's like Yasser Arafat of baseball.
For Jerusalem I have an interesting plan.
It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that.
Jews will get Hanukkah and Passover,
Christians will get Christmas and Easter
and Muslims will have Ramadan and the other holiday, Kaboom.
Obviously, the people of HBO are going "Oh, fuck off.
What are you doing, you asshole."
I'm very excited because this is my time
when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man.
I saw world cup, baby.
There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going:
"Uh, that's like football without pads, right?"
For the rest of the world, it's football.
For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people."
We made it in the World Cup. Everyone plays it.
Not like the World Series, 'cause the French don't have a baseball team.
If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe.
You know what I'm saying?
What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alore.
The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out!
We are French. Fuck you, Americans, I don't care!
My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour du France.
And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals."
"It's chemotherapy, you little toad suckers."
Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic.
Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker.
Do it. Don't be afraid."
When you look at the World Cup, America finally made it.
We made it to the sixteenth, baby!
We're no longer in the "Special Olympics" category.
They used to see us coming: "Give it to them, they're damaged people"!
Thank you for the ball. I got a ball. I kick the ball!
Unlike the Brazilians. When they play is like...
And the fans...
Brazilians are going: "Look, I'm playing soccer...
Look, I'm scoring!
And now I'm kicking the ball."
Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. Is a little passive aggressive though.
I didn't do anything... What are you looking at?
It's not like hockey, when someone comes up with a stick and goes:
"Bang, mother fucker!"
That's why there are no Spanish hockey players.
When a white guy takes a stick and goes...
"Motherfucker, I'm going to cut you off now!"
And you, Freddie Krugger bitch, take off the mask, mother fucker!
Coming in there! Katami!
Sometimes guys do this weird thing... They fall down and pretend like...
I've been killed... I've been blinded...
There's nobody near me, huh? OK, I'm kidding!
And the referee comes over: "Yellow card!"
Two yellow cards. "Red card!"
Three cards. "Green card!"
And the referee is so sweet, too.
"What's your name? Turn around.
Why didn't you call me after the Mexico game ?
Not like football referees: "Too much commercial time"
Mad white man dancing on the field.
Moving away. Moving away.
In the World Cup they always claim there's bad refereeing,
someone may have been paid off.
Oh, shit, say it ain't so!
You're telling me that the Oscars are also political? Fuck off!
There's a game mafia!
The mob's hand!
Fairy Godfather: "Does this pistol make my ass look big?"
If you go to LA, there's a great greeting these people do: "Love ya!"
"Love you!" "Hey, love you!"
The worst referee was in Winter Olympics with a French judge.
Once again, the French fucked with us!
The Canadians skate perfectly. "We did it perfect, huh!"
And then the Russians they come and fuck up
and the French judge: "They fucked up, I give it to them"
At that point I'm going: "Where's Tonya Harding when you need her?"
Tonya would've been on that judge like shit on Velcro.
"Give me that medal, you French whore!"
"I won!"
Now we get to see Tanya Harding fight Paula Jones
in an all white trash weekend.
Trailer park Tuesday!
Tonya went right for the nose: "Not the nose. That's the Clinton money!"
Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco fighting John Wayne Bobbit.
There will be no hitting bellow the belt there, my friend.
Fuck, man, give it back! My balls are in the front row.
What's next? The Nixon's daughters belt for the library money.
Be there as my bitches go at it.
At this point, even Caligula is going:
"What the fuck are you people doing?"
Why don't you have Hannibal Lector and Iron chef
just kick out the jams?
'Cause you got the chamber, the chair, fear factor.
People in Texas are going "We got those shows.
We just don't film them."
Two weeks ago, Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people.
People in Texas are going, "Shit, where's the fun in that?"
'Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week.
It was like, "Go sit on Santa's lap, Timmy."
And I know the definition of "retarded" in Texas is pretty wide.
It's crazy!
Even a Taliban is going: "You are crazy mother fuckers!"
There was a guy with one leg. They wouldn't gonna give him a wooden leg.
He's gonna be dead man hopping.
There's a moment of compassion. Before the lethal injection,
they do an alcohol swab. Which is so nice!
What the fuck are you doing?
We don't want you to get that last second infection!
It's all safe now.
You remember the Winter Olympics. They had them in Utah. Great place!
What, was Amish country booked, what happened?
Common down to Salt Lake! We're gonna party like it's
.
Bring your wives. Oops! Come on down!
At the closing ceremony they introduced
Donnie and Marie, as the first couple of Utah.
I went: "Aha, honey, no! They're only a couple in Arkansas.
If you're going to Georgia, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up.
Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him.
About the Olympics once again,
we're talking about the figure skating.
I find the figure skating to be kinda sexy.
Not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That's not good.
That's that pair figure skating. There's one very special lift.
Where the male skater goes...
Right here!
Where even a gynecologist would go: "Put on a glove, man!"
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
And I'm going: "Let's cut the foreplay,
let's have ice fucking, come on!"
Nipples aroused...
And she holds on without her hands!
Even the French judge would go: "I like it!"
"I don't care. I'm giving them the medal. Fuck the Canadians!"
"So fabulous!"
There's other kinda sexual thing in the Olympics: the luge,
about which I have only one question:
what drunken, German gynecologist invented this sport?
What guy went, "I want to dress like a sperm,
shove an ice skate in my ass,
and go balls first down an ice chute.
Ya. That would be fun."
No! This is for pussies!
- How will you stir? - I will do Kegels!
I will flex my ass and go down the aisle.
And do not talk to me about two men luge.
I'm saying "Boys, get a room!"
Make that turn, you bastard, make it.
Hard right, you fucker, hard right!
Pour guy gets to the end of the run: "I got wood, man, I'm sorry!"
You cost us the race!
Your penis going brr was
of a second winds resistance!
We could've won if you weren't going brrring!
Dolphin boy!
There's always some horrible drug scandal.
This year was a Spanish cross-country skilor...
Skilor, which is like a skier.
- Are you a skilor? - Yes!
They accused him of taking some performance enhancing drug.
Like an elephant growth hormone.
Are you on some sort of drug?
Are you taking an animal tranquilizer?
And they didn't bother drug-testing the snowboarders.
Go, go my little boys, have fun!
I guess they realized the word "half pipe" meant something.
Remember the kid who won the gold medal?
He was in freestyle.
- You wanna be on a box of Wheaties? - No. Count Dracula.
Aha, a clue, Sherlock!
The poor Canadian snowboarder, in
Olympics,
they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana,
which is kinda redundant number one.
Number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug".
Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations,
but you are certainly not fucking empowered.
When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet.
The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is
if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run.
Then you'll be like...
Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"
Pour Canadian snowboarder. They asked for his medal back
and he couldn't find it. It was around his fucking neck!
Get out of here, you little goofy Canadian bastard, eh.
They have weird sports like the Biathalon
which is like Norwegian Drive-By.
Get the TV, Hans!
The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey.
God bless you Canadian people.
You're so fucking nice eh.
It's your only fucking sport, come on!
That and a mutant form of football.
"We've got men, we have a longer field"
You have fun, enjoy!
Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party.
Keep it down, eh!
We are nice. We have Jean Chrétien, our great prime minister.
He was the only man in the world: "I don't need no secret service"
"If a guy comes to hit me, I fucking knock him out eh."
"I'm Jean Chrétien. First was your president, who's a cretin".
Quebec is going to break away from Canada, but still keep the currency.
It's like a kid moving out of the house,
"but I still would like to get money". Fuck off you!
Canadian money is also called "the Looney".
How can you take an economic crisis seriously?
- The Looney is down! - Oh, how sad for you!
What are you saying, eh?
Everyone was so happy that at the Olympics the security was so tight.
Security was amazing at the Olympics.
You chose the whitest fucking State in the Union!
An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice!
- I found one! - It's just Ted. Everybody out!
The problem was that there was basically white powder everywhere.
All the dogs looking for Anthrax were going:
"You go, man, you go!"
Pour dogs they looked for Anthrax and cocaine.
In the cage at the end of the day they're going:
"I can't taste my ass, I don't know why?"
"It's my tail!"
Meanwhile your cat sits over there going:
"You're still an asshole, you know that".
Is it me, or are cat's drag queens?
The way they kinda go: 'Who loves Kitty?'
"Are these your shoes?"
Who loves Kitty? Who loves Kitty?
Male cats have an amazing thing,
kinda walk around going: "That's mine!"
"Mine!"
"I like that too."
Thank God men aren't like that!
"Nice car, Bob. Mine now!"
- What are you doing? - Just shopping!
The whole Anthrax thing had people going...
They said: "Don't open your mail!"
- Why? - There's white powder in envelopes.
Really?!
Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes.
We weren't on-line. We did lines, my friend.
And there were ninjas on the fucking line, trying to kill us.
And now, there are people trying to kill us.
And that's why I bought a gas mask.
I can't even get a condom on when I want to!
"Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on."
"I'll be right with you, honey."
"Don't go away on me now."
You're playing "Beat the cock".
"I got it, I got it!"
There's your penis like a midget in a diving suit...
"I don't think we're going in today, Pete.
We didn't make the deadline."
Remember when they sent Anthrax to Tom Daschle's office?
And they cleared that fucking place out.
Everybody out, come on! Helmets, suits, they're all leaving.
And when the Congressman walked out they go:
"But the rest of you, go about your lives."
"Everything is perfectly OK."
"We'll be miles away."
It's like when you go to the dentist and he puts a shit over your balls.
He walks behind concrete, going: "You'll be fine!"
How can you tell if Congress was sick?
It's night of the living dead anyway.
All those old senators going:
"The confederate flag is just the symbol of states' rights."
Yeah, and the swastika is just a good luck charm.
When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt?
He's huge!
You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's day float, come on!
Bring him down. We're voting!
Step away, boy. I said "no" to the Crispy Cream.
Congress recently approved the covert plan
to assassinate Saddam Hussein.
So what they've done, is PUBLICLY approve
the secret plan to assassinate Hussein.
I wonder if he knows?
I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is.
And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that.
He is the only man on the planet
who can go: "Anthrax? All right..."
Doesn't go with my E. cola, but fuck...!
Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish.
I've seen him going to a drug dealer who said: "I'm out, man!"
"I have nothing left."
Supposedly he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood.
Not like one pike, but like a fucking Chevrolette, all of it.
I just wanna know who gets his blood?
Some old Swiss man going:
"You've gotta go on tour, bitch!"
"We gotta pay for mixed babies."
We may all be dead and gone,
Keith will still be there with five cockroaches.
He'll be going, "I smoked your uncle, did you know that?
Fucking crazy..."
Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes,
"I don't know where. I don't know when.
But something awful's going to happen.
Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions."
Excuse me, can you give me a clue?
What is it, the Central "Intuitive" Agency now?
Are you working with Miss Cleo?
I don't know where, I don't know when,
but sometin' awful's gonna happen!
And definitely don't marry that fat man.
He only wants you for your money, girl!
People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I went: "Fucking da!"
What do you want? A blind tarot card before you go, "Ah ha!"
If she's a psychic, why does she need a fuckin' phone number?
Number two, that fake Jamaican accent?
If she was a real psychic,
she'd be one of those Louisiana psychics, like, "You gonna die!"
They have to puck your ass up
and have a place for your bike, come on now!
It's like buying hair care products from Cher.
She's wearing a wig, you idiot!
Take that abdominal thing helping you lose weight
while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching TV.
I'm getting six-pack-abs by knocking my testicles around!
You strap that to your head.
And say, "I will not buy stupid shit for no reason!"
Now we are in troubled times.
When it happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change.
Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor,"
it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece of me."
There was hardcore security. In NY stopping people in the tunnel..
In Washington they had F- s flying, air cover everywhere.
In San Francisco, not so hardcore security.
At Golden Gate Bridge there's a Hummer and I'm talking about the car.
One Hummer here, two Guardsmen, same at the other end of the bridge.
The problem is that the Hummer and the Guardsmen
are in jungle camouflage.
For those who never been to SF, the bridge is bright orange.
So I feel like going: "Be vewy, vewy quiet.
We're wooking for tewwowists."
Airport security, before all this happened it was:
"Beep, OK, get on the plane, come on."
"What's that? Oh, that's a gun. OK, get on the plane."
You could carry a four inch blade, that's about that long.
Now, you can't even take a nail-clipper on a plane.
What, are they afraid you're gonna go "All right!
Give me the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle.
I have a nail file. I can be irritating."
And if you have a steak or a piece of meat, they won't give you a knife.
It's like the quest for fire flight.
"Sir, you're making a lot of noise."
The Hindu man in the back is going: "Hold the bowl higher".
"Don't be afraid to beg, use your hands."
Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector
and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends:
"Take out your keys, sir."
"Tip of the iceberg."
For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert.
I'm sure that was his last wish.
I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying.
I want you to name a museum, a performance hall
and a bolt through the cock after me."
"That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling."
"Say a little song to people that have little anal floss."
And I'm talking heavily pierced.
Not like Britney Spears: "I'm a virgin!"
Yeah and Michael Jackson is the father. Move on!
I'm talking like a hoop through your nipple.
You know, lady.. I'm guessing!
Just the kind when your clothes are going...
When you have a big hoop, what you're gonna do? Tie up a pony? No!
Or you have two. He's and hers towels, whatever you want!
A towel down here, so you can wash up. Fun!
It's interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue.
Why did you do that?
To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon.
"Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy
like the feel of cold steel on his hot rock."
"But the problem is I ended up knocking out all my teeth
and living in a trailer park with a man named Bubba."
That's the trade-off, my darling.
You get a tattoo with a barb wire at
and by the time you're it's fucking picket fence.
And Madonna turns into Mother Hamilton.
"I'm dying, melting."
Here's what you wanna do.
When I was growing up I didn't have Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me!
But I had National Geographic
and the girls that got me crazy...
You know the ones with the slinky neck going...
Do that, drive your parents crazy going down the stairs...
Or do the full ubangy go:
"Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player".
And you can take out the plate and jump with your lower lip.
Have fun!
Watch grandma go: "Shit!"
Union guys going: "Don't touch it, Mr Williams!"
This shit is gonna be more precious than oil.
Ten years from now, it's already started to happen. People going:
"I got water.
And if you want it cold, I got ice, mother fucker."
Going on the planes now, a sweet little Southern stewardess going:
"Ladies and gentlemen, before we board flight five,
we're just gonna do a few random bag checks."
"These are totally random."
"I'm just gonna read of a few names:"
"Has'N'T'Been' Seen,
Akeem Been'Laid,
Have'N'T'Been Fucked,
Judy Smith?
arabs and a blonde?
And every black and Hispanic man in the room is going: "Thank you, God!"
"Oh, yes, we're off the list, mother fucker, yeah!"
"They're gonna be fucking with you now, Habib."
"You better learn to go orderly."
They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old lady,
'Why, cause I'm gonna knit an Afghan?' Give 'em to me!
And they're patting a five year old boy down, and he's going,
'What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me!'
I see! You've had a problem too, I guess.
Father pats little boys down, like,
'Good game, boy, good game! Wash up, really wash up!'
They caught them, but they had a divine witness protection program.
Find the priest, here's the pity fall,
here's the priest, find the pity fall.
Don't you ask, don't you tell, You might end up right in Hell.
Here's your check, direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new home.
Isn't that amazing ? The Pope...
Applause break number two.
It was amazing when the Pope gathered the cardinals in Rome and went...
The only problem is that he's dressed like Liberace stunt double.
I have a solution, though !
For problem priests, a little shock collar, going near a kid it's like:
'You know, Timmy...
Tommy, I think... !
Or the automated confessional, could be fun.
'If this is a venal sin, press one.
If this is a carnal sin, press two.
If this is cardinal law, please stay on the line.'
Cause you have to remember, it's not just a sin, it's a felony!
So we have to keep track!
Right now they're up there watching. "Hi, Mr Edgecroft."
We're now under the offices of Homeland Security.
Tom Ridge ever so often goes: "Today is a blue day." "No, orange" "Red".
They had to be very careful picking that name: "Homeland Security".
They couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going:
"That's a good one!"
But Homeland sounds like Homefront Security,
which was England during WWII.
Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags, defending England!
There they were, Rudolph has personally:
"I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in shite
and said 'Get off of that fucker, you fucker, get out'"
And I also find out now, that Winston Churchill,
one of the greatest orators of all time,
may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne,
that he didn't do some of his great speeches.
They were done by a man from the BBC, who also did "Winnie the Pooh".
will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land!
Eeyore and Tigger!'
And, he was fighting against Hitler!
A man who a book recently declared was a homosexual,
and I always thought this was a clue!
That and the leather and the dancing!
We are now finding ourselves once again drown to England
during these troubled times.
Tony Blair, a militant liberal.
Here, George W Bush, compassionate conservative.
This sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack, but...
Here, Tony Blair, a man who addressed the House of Common,
which is like Congress, with a two drink minimum, crazy place!
- I believe my worthy opponent... - Fuck off!
oh bollocks you, bastard. Fuck you!
Would someone remove Ms Thatcher from the chamber?
Tony said: "This heinous incident has brought us
to the edge of oblivion..."
"But our civilization shall endure!"
And there's poor W going: "Shit, I can't even spell that."
'Cause you look at Bush and you realize it's Bush . .
It's a piner release. It came with certain bugs in the software.
"This country will not be taken hostile,
oops, delete, delete, hostage."
And you look at him and realize he has a short attention span.
"Our economy is going... oh, look at the kitty".
He kinda reminds me of a guy in college with a towel going... gotcha!
You just don't want him to drive.
Some men are born great, some achieve greatness,
some get it as a graduation gift. It's OK!
Historically...
You must look at it from a historical perspective.
He's George the second. The boy-king.
A man we thought could only loose, but somehow won,
because of confused Hebrews. Yes!
W doesn't speak while Chaney's drinking water. Check it out!
When everything went down,
they put W out there, but they protected Chaney.
Chaney had an angioplasty. Most people wait till it heals.
He was like: "I'm perfectly fine!"
"I'm OK!"
And there's Ashcroft in the back: "Work your arms, you asshole!"
You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man
who lost to a dead man in Missouri.
Choices in Missouri were: John Ashcroft - Dead Man.
And people in Missouri went:
"I'm sorry, John, but the dead man scares me less than you do."
Here's the drill for me. You know what's strange?
It doesn't scare me that W. waved at Stevie Wonder.
That's OK.
Stevie's only been blind since birth!
And there's W. going: "Stevie !"
Even Stevie Wonder's going, "Is that mother fucker waving at me?
Does he think I'm looking for him? Goddamn!"
No! What scares me
is that W almost died from a fucking pretzel.
We have billions of dollars in national defense.
They want billions more for national security.
And he almost fucking goes down from snack food!
Secret Service is going: "Games over, man!"
"Gilligan's down. Gilligan's down."
"Step away from the chip, sir!"
We have to have people go: "Hydrate, you bastard!"
His own dogs didn't give a shit. They were licking him for the salt.
You need a dog that cares. A dog like Lassie.
"What's wrong, Lassie? The President swallowed something
and you did the Heimlich?"
"What else, girl?"
"Mr Chaney is meeting with the Enron people?"
"An Enron employee is secretary of the Navy?"
"What about the Harken loan?"
"Sorry, girl, we gonna have to put you down."
Oh, Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are coming.
Welcome, boys and girls, to Disney's new ride.
Investment pirates of the Caribbean.
Your money checks in, it doesn't check out.
Sometimes you catch George unprepared and he says unusual things.
- Mr Bush, what are we gonna do? - We're gonna conduct a crusade.
And everybody in the room went...
All throughout the Middle East...
Hide the women and children and the number zero, they're coming!
And you can't bomb the Afghanis back to the stone age
because they'll go: "Upgrade. Fun!"
Today's bombing raid has enlarged the hole from yesterday's bombing raid.
We have moved trouble from here, to here.
In the upper right corner, possible member of the Talibans,
or "concubine", we're not sure.
We did fire the
million dollars cruise missile and we're successful.
Operation "Extreme Redundancy" is carrying on!
Then we dropped bombs, food, food, bombs.
And here's the fun part:
some of the bombs were little yellow bombs...
and the food packages were little yellow packages.
So now you're playing "Survivor: The Real Game."
"I was here yesterday... I'm gonna go for this one today..."
And what was in those packages?
Pop-Tarts, peanut butter,
all you need is a honey-baked ham and you'll have a Redneck Christmas.
Who dropped the honey-baked ham on the Muslims?
Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan?
Number one: it taste a shit load better than dirt.
Number two and more importantly:
It's very difficult to have a call to Jihad
with a mouth full of peanut butter.
Secondly... or thirdly, for those keeping track...
Afghanistan is a hashish smoking culture.
And everyone who's ever been a friend of the Hooka will go:
"Pop-Tarts!"
Yes! Got milk?
We're trying to win hearts and minds. How do we do that?
We build an amusement park "Muslim Mountain" with Gadafi ducks? No!
Do we have a wet burger contest? No!
Do we play Cat Stevens' records all day? "Fuck off!"
Drop Martha Stuart's tits? No!
Do we have a children show called "Saudi Dudi"? No!
What we must do is go the way you gotta get a sister. You know?
You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn.
You know what I mean, aha, girl? You know what I'm sayin'?
One of those bitches you see on Jerry Springer.
Drop her ass in Kabul, she'll go:
"Girl, you don't have to dress like a mother fucking beekeeper!"
"You don't have to be Casper's bitch, forget all that!"
If he picks up a rock, 'cause you're talking to another man,
you pick a bigger rock and say: "Hit the fan, mother fucker!"
He tries to cut off your clitoris, make you a Barbie doll,
you grab a knife and say: "Lorena Bobbit time!"
"Don't make me, 'cause I'll go Oprah on your ass. Don't make me!"
We're dealing with fundamentalists...
Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try
and hijack a carriage at needlepoint.
And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man
with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic.
Who are we looking for?
Osama Bin Laden, one of children.
Even Freud would say: "He has issues."
What does he look like without the beard?
Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand? I don't know, I don't care!
I know this: he's a six foot five Arab on dialysis...
Why is that so fucking hard to find?
Look for somebody attached to their luggage.
I also know this. When you see the tapes of him, you see a psychopath.
Wait a minute. We have some of our own!
Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around with nothing to do.
Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind", the home game.
You give Ted a mailing list and some tools...
Ted, these people have been bad.
- Are they bad? - Very bad!
- I just want a few things. - I know you do!
Or we get Charles Manson. Great organizer, incredible with chicks.
You can't use him.
Chucky all the time comes out for parole
with a swastika on his forehead.
- I'm better. - In many ways, yeah.
- What would you do if you got out? - I'd kill everybody.
What are we dealing with?
One of the fundamental things is in a Jihad.
Sounds like a country western term like Jeeha.
And if you are in a Jihad and you kill an infidel
which, I'm sad to say, is all of us
and you yourself die...
you go to heaven and you are greeted
by dark-haired virgins.
Now everyone who's ever been with one virgin is going...
"I don't know..."
"For my talent portion..."
Recently, there was a article in the New York Times,
a Koran scholar said:
"The actual translation is not dark-haired virgins,
but crystal clear raisins."
Slight difference in interpretation, really.
It's like instead of "Thy shall not kill" is "Thy shall not wear a kilt".
And the Scottish are going: "Fuck off!"
Imagine some guy blows himself up, goes to the gates of Heaven:
- Where are my bitches? - Here are your raisins.
Or Virgils going: "You got a pretty face!"
Osama Bin Laden goes to the gates of Heaven,
there's George Washington going:
"How dare you defy that what we created"
and gets violent on his ass.
other members of the Congress start kicking the shit outta him.
Osama: "Where are the virgins?"
" Virginians, you asshole!"
"I must talk to Jesus Christ!"
"Where is Jesus Christ?"
And Saint Peter goes: "Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab?"
I heard it. Finally the PC's.
We crossed the politically correct line.
It's OK to beat the shit out of them, but don't do the Ethnic jokes.
How Buddhist of you!
Remember when they destroyed the two Buddhas?
What did Buddha do? Nothing!
What is the Buddhist terrorist do?
Goes in the middle of the street, takes the gas... Self barbecue!
People are killing each other in the name of God:
"What the fuck are you doing?"
Making your deal with your shit.
I don't understand the whole fundamentalist thing.
I'm an Episcopal. That's catholic light.
Same religion, half the guilt. It's frightening.
Catholics have confession, Episcopals have:
"Thanks Giving your father has a couple of gin and tonics"
"I never loved you mother, you know that, don't you?!"
"I didn't, dad. And she's right there. Tell her again."
Episcopal is basically Church of England which was Henry the -th
breaking away from the Catholic Church: "I'm the fucking Pope now!"
Than people broke away from that church,
the Calvinists found him to be too loose.
Than the Puritans broke away from the Calvinists, our ancestors,
people so uptight, the English kicked them out.
How anal do you have to be for the English to go: "Get the fuck out!"
"Take your pimp shoes and go!"
And they land here in America going: "Hello!"
"We bring you guilt, syphilis and alcohol."
"Here chief, try this and once you drunk it,
keep moving towards your feathers flow. There you go!"
And the Indians go: "We have a gift for you."
For us is a secret herb. For you it will be an addictive carcinogen.
"Tobacco is a lot of fun. And a good cash drop, yeah."
"Welcome to Clusters. The Casino that cares.
This is my wife, sits for full house.
It's time for the white men to get drunk.
And we'll get back the land you took from us."
The Puritans stayed here and groups broke away from them
and then we got the people who knock on your door
at : am on Sunday going:
"Have you found Jesus?"
You just wanna come to the door nude and go:
"No. Help me look for him! Come on!"
People like Pat Robinson and Jerry Falwell say:
"This was brought upon us by our sinful ways."
I wanna put them on a plane, take them to the ayatollah
and have world wide fundamentalist wrestling.
One time only. A life after death match for all of our souls.
Let's get ready to humble.
Here's the drill. Fundamentalists take it to be "the word".
Not translatable, not metaphorical: "the word".
In the Genesis, "Let it be light!" could be a metaphor for the Big Bang?
No. God just went click.
We are all descendants from Adam and Eve. So we are all cousins.
That's right.
There are miracles in the Bible.
Like when Moses, and I'm not talking Guns'N'Moses, no!
Not Charlton Heston going:
"Let the Jews go or pharaoh gets two in the head. No!
Charlton Heston, who said:
"Guns don't kill people... Apes with guns kill people."
No, Chucky! The second amendment
started from people going like this...
And that still continues. That's OK!
When Moses said to pharaoh: "Let my people go".
And pharaoh went: "In your dreams!"
And Moses called the God: "God, I need some help!"
And frogs fell from the sky.
Or maybe there were Jews with catapults going: "Now!".
Thank God it wasn't the French, 'cause they would go: "Lunch!"
"You're great caterers, I can't let you go, you crazy people!"
Frogs fell from the sky. I would be going: "Get your shit and out!"
I said wait a minute! That's what we should drop on Afghanistan.
Not bombs, not food... Fucking frogs!
Frogs, lizards, hamsters, shit the Heaven seen.
If you wanna get people out of caves, a shit load of NY rats.
NY rats would be going: "Hey, come on, raid!"
"I eat pussy literately. Bring it on!"
Even then pharaoh was not impressed: "Please, David Copperfield, no!"
And then boils and then first born dies.
"That's it! Hebrews get out!"
And everybody...
Let's not wait for the bread to rise.
Just get the crackers and the skin off your penis. We're leaving.
Excuse me! Why the skin off the penis?
We're traveling, people. You don't want sand in there.
And this is so passé! The dicky thing, forget it. Let's move!
We're going to the desert. Then they get the commandments,
that would be adjusted later by certain presidents.
And they get to the Red Sea.
And they go: "What now, Mr Magic, what do we do now?"
We're gonna walk on the "fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks...
Frogs backs!
Thank you for watching me this far.
Obviously, I did inhale.
"What do we do now, Mr BigShot?"
And he calls to God again and the sea parts.
And even the most doubting Jew is going: "You're good!"
Let's move, don't eat the shellfish. I'll tell you why later.
Where are we going?
To Jerusalem to start years of struggling,
and later to Miami to fuck up an election.
And then the pharaoh comes, the sea closes and he calls his cat-like God
but the cat-like God can't do shit, 'cause it's afraid of water.
And then there's another miracle.
The night that Mary said to Joe: "Joe, I'm pregnant."
Joe went: "Holly Mother of God!" She went: "You're right!"
- Oh, Jesus Christ! - What a great name, Joe!
That is so much better than Shmul. Way to go!
- I love you, Joe! - Hold on a minute, Mary.
- So I'm the step father? - Yeah.
I can't discipline him, I can't tell him he's wrong,
'cause he'll look to me saying: "You're not my real dad."
- How did it happen? - It's immaculate, Joe.
It better be, Mary! It better be immaculate!
I'm sorry I'm transforming Joe into Ralph Cramdon.
Up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very Jewish.
You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee and then you get Mary and Joe.
We're just a hyphenate away from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob.
We could've had Jim Bob, the son of God.
Praise to him, Jim-Bob
He, who finds the stuff And gets me a job, Jim-Bob
Jesus was an only child. Thank God!
Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ?
That's a tough gig.
"Come on, Jerry, we're going to the beach."
Jesus's gonna walk on the water, feed everybody, heal them
and get a whole bunch of disciples.
I'll sat there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day for me!
He ends up in a bar at the age of going: "Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ.
Yeah, I healed somebody. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that!"
Jesus is a carpenter, I'm a plumber. You do the math!
And people say to me Jesus wasn't Jewish... of course he was Jewish!
Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on.
Working in his father's business,
his mother thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
It's an old tradition!
And if he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish,
for the Last Supper, would they not have gone out for Chinese?
'Welcome to Yahweh. Hold on one minute; no service, no sandals.
Okay, you come in now.
You're twelve. All I got is two tables of six. They're not together.
I also have a table by the window, but you all have to face this way.
You are glowing, so I guess we don't need that lamp, that's very nice!
You've just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken, you very good!'
It's said that night, he turned to his disciples,
and said: "One of you shall betray me."
Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus?" Jesus said, "It is not you Peter."
Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus?" Jesus said, "It is not you Simon."
And Judas said: "Is it me, Jesus?"
Jesus turned to him: "Is it me, Jesus?"
Thus you see two traditions beginning:
Jewish sarcasm and Gentile humor. Together born!
The next day the miracle occurred: Crucifixion, Resurrection
and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow
another
years of guilt. Yes!
For me, the one big question is: how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection
and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs?
How do you do that one?
Even kids are going: "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this?"
And you don't want a kid biting the head off a chocolate Jesus.
You don't want a cream filled cross going...
You don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going:
"We're looking for Jesus, kids, come one!"
What are we trying to do? You're trying to keep them involved.
That's why we have all the saints that did all those amazing things.
They're all there to keep your action up.
And then we're starting to loose them.
Like Saint Christopher:
"Chris, sorry, babe. Dashboard sales are down."
"The medals aren't selling well.
Drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff, you're outta here."
We're gonna have Saint Prada, all ladies accessories.
But I want a saint like Mother Teresa.
She said: "You can do only small things with great love."
And Pat Robinson said: "She's not a real Christian!"
"Why? 'Cause she doesn't have tag shelter and a university?"
Mother Teresa never had a line of products, her own perfume:
"Compassion" by Mother Teresa.
"I smell, because I care. Compassion!"
Gandhi never had 'Gandhi Jeans',
whether you're simply not eating and tell the English to get the fuck out.
They come in size one and below.
Gandhi was an amazing man.
They asked him: "What do you think about Western civilization?"
He said: "I think it would be a wonderful idea."
As beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going:
"I know Gandhi. He was a prick."
"I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, hitting on Mother Teresa."
"He kept saying: Who's your diaper daddy?"
"I saw that with my eyes.
If you don't believe me, I'll bitch slap you like Shiva."
"Don't press this. Don't fucking do that!"
Don't go ding-dong, you asshole!
'Cause India has the atomic bomb, my friend.
They could turn this place into Chicken tika.
India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb.
And we're preparing to fight over Kashmir.
And your president probably thought it was a sweater. What an asshole!
India detonated
ground nuclear tests.
Pakistan detonated
ground nuclear tests.
And your spy satellites were like Ray Charles in the Louvre.
They didn't have a fucking clue.
India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb.
China has the bomb.
Or maybe they just have one billion people going "Bum!"
Russia has the bomb. "We have many bombs."
We don't know were they all are.
Maybe you want a dirty bomb.
And the French have a bomb, too.
Maybe they have a bomb that only destroys
restaurants under four stars.
They still test their bombs. They still need their bombs.
Where did they do the underground test?
In the Sahara, in the total waste land?
No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise.
Why? "Because we're French."
"Look a Green Peace boat coming to protest.
Fuck off, I sink you."
"I'm the badest mother fucker, am I not?"
"Look, I'm giving a cigarette to a baby."
"Suck on the cigarette. Life is shit. Get to know this."
"You, Americans. Fuck all of you Americans!"
"Americans, you politically correct. You cultureless crass Americans."
"We hate all of you. Fuck off!"
"The Germans are here. Hello, Americans!"
"I love you! Come on, Americans."
"Welcome back, Americans."
"You can build the Disneyland near Paris."
"We won't go, but build it."
"I will have a Minnie mouse with armpit hair. It will be great!"
Smoking a Garwoise, going: "I never loved Mickey".
"He has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? Fuck off!"
"Don't love him!"
But there is one country that watches out for all of us:
the Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention.
If there's ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going:
"Vhat was that noise?"
In their big hollowed up country,
with their chocolate and their watches. Ya!
The nice Germans. Ya!
Or, as they like to say, "the other white race."
I have only one question:
How can you trust an army, that has a wine opener on it's knife?
Many of you, men, have never open a Chardonnay under fire.
You take out the wine bottle, put out the cock and throw.
Y:i I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be self-cold
My God! Where did all this Impressionistic art come from?
And all these jewelry from
to
?
Fairies must've brought it during the night.
I have to do the vault Heimlich and cough up an account number.
I know this one thing...
I know there's one country that's not developing a weapon of destruction.
That does not have a secret weapons' lab up in the mountains.
Jamaica!
Howdy, man!
Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb.
They may make an atomic bong.
When the atomic bomb goes off,
there's devastation and radiation.
When the atomic bong goes off, there's celebration!
Smoke a split for the communion.
If you don't see Jesus than, you never will.
I know only one thing.
I never met me an angry pot smoker.
I never met a man who said: "Hey, you fucking prick!"
"Oh, fuck!
What was I gonna do?!"
"Hold me, you piece of shit. Get over here!"
Because you see, marijuana...
I know this one. Wait a minute.
If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist.
Or maybe...
If you seen some of the things that happen lately to NASA, maybe you can.
The Mars Lander...
I did the calculations in feet,
but I programmed the Lander in meters.
So, instead of landing, fucker buried!
million dollars... oopsy!
Two years... splat!
OK, fuck! Here's a better one!
The Hubble Telescope...
I forgot to put in a lens.
Read the top line. "Officer Jerry, serial..."
"The rest is just a black hole."
I once called Steven Hawking. "Hello, this is Steven Hawking"
- I'd like to leave a message. - No. This is Steven Hawking.
I know one thing though.
Pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your moods.
Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy mother fuckers there.
Guys going: "Hey, fuck you, my man!"
"Hey, listen to me."
"Listen to me, you piece of shit."
"You do not know shit about fuck, my man."
"You want a piece of yourself?"
"Step outside, I'll kick my ass".
"I've already shit myself. I'm half way there".
You can deal with the genetic.
If you're Irish, you've got a running start
that you can do it better than we are.
Not only will you kick my ass, but you'll sing about it, afterwards.
Y:i "Oh, the night you said my wife was fat,
Y:i I knocked you down and shit in your hat."
And you keep drinking 'till you're in your s and you're on a dialysis,
doing liver dancing Michael Flatly.
They say the Irish saved civilization,
drank a couple of Guinness
and forgot where they fucking put it. But that's all right!
The Japanese drink differently than us.
You could be polite during the day
and all of a sudden you're: "Arigato gozaimas"
And after five Jack Daniels: "Tide the yellow ribbon!"
Karaoke for an asshole with a microphone.
Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on!
If ya want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a Scotsman.
'Cause ya couldn't fucking understand them before...
You land in Scotland and they're going:
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah?
- Sure. - Oh, fuck sure, eh!
- Sure! - Sure, you dumb fucking bastard.
You realize how drunk they get, they could wear a skirt and not care!
And only they could invent a sport like golf.
Here's my idea for a fucking sport.
I knock a ball in a gopher hole.
- Like pool? - Fuck off pool.
Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick.
I whack a ball, it goes in a gopher hole.
- Oh, you mean like croquet? - Fuck croquet!
I put the hole hundreds of yards away.
Oh, fuck of ya ! Big fun, yeah!
- Oh, like a bowling thing? - Fuck no!
Not straight. I put shit in the way.
Like trees and bushes and high grass.
So you can lose you fucking ball.
And go hacking away with a fucking tire iron.
Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you'll have a stroke.
Fuck that's what we'll call it, a stroke,
cause each time you miss you feel like you're gonna fucking die.
Oh great, oh and here's the better part. Fuck, this is brilliant!
Right near the end, I'll put a little flat piece
with a little flag to give you fucking hope.
But then I'll put a little pool and a sand box,
to fuck with your ball again.
Ay, you'll be there cracking you ass, jacking away in the sand.
- And you do this one time? - Fuck no!
fucking times!
That's my idea of a sport!
The manly sport of golf,
where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care.
Even a gay blind man would go: "Oh, dear Christ!"
"Those are loud. This is no carnival. What a fuck are you on?"
Even the alligators are going: "Asshole!"
It's such an athletic sport: whack the ball, get in the car.
Whack the ball, get in the car.
And the commentary's electrifying.
Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going.
Third hole.
Could people be quiet, I'd like to hear the grass grow.
I'd like the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time.
The ball is ready.
Hole!
Just to see al those waspy mother fuckers going:
"Oh, dear Christ!"
"My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh, shit!"
What a hell we gonna do? That was their last domain of dominance.
It was their area. They were the kings.
Up until Tiger!
Son of a black man and a Thai woman.
Not even a German geneticist could've thought than one up!
Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration.
Crouching Putter.
And than he goes to the British Open,
and he plays at Saint Andrews, who the fucking invented the sport.
And after the forth round, he's under par.
And there's only fucking holes.
And all the old men going: "My God, we're doomed!"
"How did he learn to play? We wouldn't have let him join."
And they start having nightmares of golf carts going...
Y:i Yo, yo, yo I'm playing through
Y:i Whether you're gentile or a Jew
Y:i Mother fucker!
All the gentle sports are no longer gentle. Tennis used to be...
Untill the Williams sisters...
- love? - No. That's good love, baby!
Even boxing is changed.
Before people were saying "I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing."
like saying, "I go to stock car races
to see people take left turns all day."
No, you go to boxing to see somebody get the fuck beat up.
Even the guy who loses is going: "I have million dollars."
"I don't know where the fucking is.
I'm gonna buy me a big ass house, but I can't find it. Fuck off!"
Boxing was the same. And then: Mike Tyson!
Mike Tyson comes along and bites somebody.
Let's get ready to nibble!
"Oh, dear God, he bit somebody!"
I'm saying "You're lucky he just bit somebody.
Mike just got out of prison. You're lucky he didn't fuck him."
You bite somebody in jail: "You're ready bitch, you're mine!"
- Break it up! - We're not finish.
Mike said to a journalist: "I'm gonna fuck you, too! You love me."
At that point I'm going: "Someone didn't come here to box, baby."
Mike said: "I'm on Zoloft, so I don't kill you, mother fuckers!"
I'm going: "Up the dosage, Mike!"
There's all these drugs: Zoloft, Prozac.
I wanna have one drug encompassing it all.
Call it "FuckItAll".
I don't feel anything. I don't wanna do anything. "FuckItAll"
The closest thing to a coma you'll ever be. "FuckItAll"
I'm sitting here in my own dong. "FuckItAll"!
The scary thing about drugs is that they have horrible side effects.
"May cause artificial insemination."
What? What do you mean?
There's a product called Olestra, which is a very strange thing.
Olestra? What is that?
It's said on a little said: "May cause anal leakage."
That's not a side effect if my ass is going...
I'd say that's an effect, really!
"Fire in the hole!" Bad day!
- How you're doing, Bob? - Just a little anal leakage, Ted.
Bob, you wanna get out of the pool right now?
I want science to help me. God, look at me! Look at this!
I had women in NY saying: "Don't wear fur!"
The politically correct... red paint: "Fuck off, lady, it's me!"
I'm a fucking Chia Pat.
I went to the Zoo and had monkeys go:
Anybody who thinks the Zoo is a happy place,
go watch the monkeys wait for groups of school children.
Watch the fun. The monkeys sit there, like...
"Wait for it".
"Wait till the teacher comes with the video camera."
"Now!"
Because they're not happy.
Even the poor animals like Ling Ling the Panda,
she must mate, so you can build a wing on the Zoo.
They go to China, they anesthetize a Panda,
which is kinda redundant...
They bring him back to America and give him a name like Ping Pong.
When his Chinese name was Who Shu Ko Hu,
Bear with Balls of Steel.
They put him in a cage with Ling Ling, saying: "Go, mate!"
He looks at her like: "I would never fuck her!"
"That is one ugly Panda bitch."
"If you were Panda, you'd know that's the fucking ugliest Panda bitch."
I wouldn't have fuck her with a Koala's dick!
Fuck off!
I would rather lick my own balls, than fuck that Panda bitch!
There's only one animal who can tell you
if she's happy and wants to mate.
That is Coco, the silver back Gorilla.
She saw me, the blue eyed simian.
She was intrigued.
She said to her trainer...
- What is that mean? - She wants you to tickle her.
OK, I tickle her...
Then she goes...
- What is that mean? - She wants you to lift your shirt.
I lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabs both my nipples.
And when an
pound Gorilla's got you by the tits...
you listen!
Then my balls went: "Somebody wants to play."
- Should we go to phase two? - NO! Do not go to phase two!
"I repeat! Do not go to liftoff!"
"This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of the thumbs."
"This is not a human!"
"Do not go to phase two!"
"Warning! Warning!"
She must've sense something, 'cause she grabs me by the hand,
takes me in the back. Daktari meets Delivrance.
I'm expecting the Crocodile Hunter to walk out and go:
"Cranky! She wants to fuck his brains out."
"Watch out, boys and girls. Danger! Danger! Danger!"
"This could be like that time I put my finger in a crock's cloette."
But part of me went: "Could be fun!"
Would make a great story for a bar.
A guy's going: "I had a wild night in Vegas."
"Yeah? I banged a Gorilla."
"Where's everybody going?"
And you don't want that late night phone call: "Hello?"
"Don't call me!"
Maybe it's because I'm .
When you hit the old machinery doesn't work so well.
You're at a public rest-room: "How're you doing? Great game today."
"Oh, boy!"
What's happened is: your prostate is bigger than your ego now.
When you're in your s, you go to the doctor they have to do the old...
First time is: "Oh, my God!"
"I'm just putting on the glove, Mr Williams"
I went back the second time and I moaned another doctor's name.
Don't do that!
- Who's Dr Smith? - You're the only one!
When a woman has to go to the gynecologist,
you don't want a doctor who has a hobby.
You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician.
You don't want: "How are we today? Uh, a dove!"
"What's this?!"
"Is this your card?"
I don't want a doctor who's a proctologist and ventriloquist. No!
How you're doing today?
Take your hand out' of my ass. I'm not a Muppet. Move it!
In your s it's no longer the... It's the ortho-proctoscope.
The colonoscopy. That's what W did.
It's a video camera at the end of a rodeo rudder.
And it's going up you!
Suddenly, you're your own Discovery Channel Special.
"Slowly, we're going up Robin's colon."
"This must be what you see."
"Slowly up ahead, a burger he had in ' ."
- Is that a polyp? - That's a fart, Mr Williams.
To go further up your ass, they blow air.
Now you're a fucking party favor.
Oh, doctor, give me all you can take! I'm a man. Give me
psi!
You feel like a Piñata, you think little Mexican kids
are gonna come out and go: "Get the presents!"
The air is coming this way. The farts are going: "Incoming!"
"It's not a... No finger! It's the midget!
"Fall back behind the shit, wait for my command!"
"Prepare to make the wet sloppy noise!"
The moment they pull out off your ass, you are on Heaven road!
Y:i Rolling, rolling, rolling Keep that colon flowing!
miles, blowing outta you!
You put on your pants and floating like a balloon on America's Cup.
Come on, Jimmy.
Then you realize... Oh, shit, fire in the hole!
Tighten up boys, we're not gonna drop here.
Thank you, doctor. See you next week.
Hold the elevator!
Fuck you, you bastard!
Seven flights of stairs.
Everybody you pass, you're going: "It's me!"
Dogs look at you like: "Roll over, man, you're dad!"
You just wanna borrow a match. Give me that!
Flaming asshole.
That's what you are. You're a flaming asshole! You're !
And can they make a drug to help you through all of that,
to keep all of your organs intact until your golden years? No!
Can they make a drug to give you
mental clarity to your golden time? No!
They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra!
Grandpa can have wood again.
- I don't need the walker! - I see that!
And your Grandmother's going:
"Shit! I thought the war was over!"
"Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna stick me with that rusty thing!"
People have died on Viagra. They had to have an open coffin!
"I don't remember Pete being like that."
"Kids, go get some horse shoes".
"He would've wanted it that way."
You used to get that from some strange Chinese aphrodisiacs.
Humming bird eyelash and rhino horn.
To give you great masculinity.
But now you're on Viagra. You're FrankenCock!
You are the Inseminator!
You are ready to go!
You're gonna be going for one hour, one hour and a half!
Guys are going: "Yeah!" Women are going:...
'Cause after the first hour, your wife is going:
Yay, oh, big daddy...
Listen, I got shit to do, OK?
"Hello!"
"Yeah, I'll be late today. Viagra, fucking..."
"I'll try and get there. Go outside with that thing!"
You can't go outside with a hard-on
cause the cat just waits for you to go...
And your dog is going: "Wow, you too?!"
Can't go to work like:
- Hey, Bob! - How're you, Pete?
I'm happy to be here today.
Direct traffic, no, you can't do shit!
You have to make it go away. You slap it.
It's like one of those Punch-Me clowns.
"I'm not going anywhere!"
You have to freeze it up.
In the old days was...
Now, after an hour and a half,
you've got more semen than the Fifth Fleet.
So, when you go, it's like...
Oh, my eyes!
And your wife goes: "Now you know how it feels, asshole!"
Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye!
I'm like the Lawn boy. Get out!
Save yourselves!
- Not the drapes! - Too late.. I own them now.
You run out of semen and your testicles are going:
"We still got an erection, chief!"
Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid!
Oh, God, please make this fucking shit go away!
You do every goofy, fucking orgasmic thing...
Don't touch it!
Don't look at it!
Don't even think about it!
And then you realize that God
gave you a penis and a brain.
And only enough blood to run one at a time.
You have lost thoughts from your childhood.
And then you hear these words from your lady:
"My turn!"
You can't fucking be serious!
Look at me, I'm Glue Boy! What are you doing?
That's right, Corky! Time to saddle up.
We're heading South of the border.
You gotta please Missy.
I have one question for the ladies:
Do we look like this?
Are you almost there?
No, no, no. I will finish!
I love you!
I love you! I will finish.
I can take it. I just can't feel my tongue.
Who's your daddy?
I love you!
I will finish.
Good night!
Thank you!
Thank you!
This night for New York!
What are we gonna do tonight?
Good night!
You're the best!
We did it!
My pink lady...