Uncle Harry Noël Coward

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As recorded at Las Vegas in June, 1955

My family has traditions
I've heard them a thousand times
My relatives were not excessively bright
They love to go off on missions
To rather peculiar climes
And lead the wretched heathens to the light
A few of them got beaten up
In course of these rampages
My dear Aunt Maud got eaten up
While singing "Rock of Ages."
These family expeditions
Admittedly are a bore
But there is just one uncle
That I positively adore

Poor Uncle Harry
Wanted to be a missionary
So he took a ship and sailed away
This visionary
Hotly pursued by dear Aunt Mary
Found a South Sea Isle on which to stay
The natives greeted them kindly and invited them to dine
On yams and clams and human hams and vintage coconut wine
The taste of which was filthy, but the after-effects divine