Dr. Michael John Mulaney

I had a doctor in New York City that just wrote me prescriptions. Dr. Michael. No last name. Oh, I don't mean I’m protecting his identity. He never told me his last name.

Even before the pandemic, Dr. Michael worked out of his apartment on Second Avenue. That's odd.

I'd go to see Dr. Michael, and I’d knock on his door, and he'd always answer the door like this. He'd go, "My wife, Minerva, is sleeping." Like, really paranoid. But he wasn't saying, "So keep your voice down." It was as if he was saying, "I didn't just kill my wife Minerva."

So then we'd go into his kitchеnette. To call it a kitchen would bе a great exaggeration. And we'd have our appointment. I'd go, "I want Klonopin." And he’d go, "Okay." And as he was writing it out on the pad and tearing it off, he’d go, "Oh, what's it for?" And I’d go, "I have anxiety." And he'd go, "Oh, then you need it." And then Dr. Michael, he'd always go, "Hey, you want a flu shot?"

Aw... He wanted to be like a real doctor. I go, "No, Michael, you already gave me two flu shots this month, man. I feel crazy. I feel super sick." Then he'd go, "Do you want a B12 Shot? You want a vitamin shot?" So he always wanted to give me a shot of some kind, because he had, like, a thing.

I mean, look, a guy named Dr. Michael that works out of his apartment is gonna have a thing.

Michael’s thing was, he wanted guys to take their shirts off in his apartment. You're all uncomfortable now, but I'm way over it. And also, if you think this story ends with me being like, "And I said, 'Absolutely not, '" you're about to be so disappointed.

So we had this little, like, charade. I'd roll up my T-shirt sleeve and Michael would come in with the syringe, and he'd go, "Um, I'm gonna need the whole shirt off." I'd be like, "Thirty Klonopin, two refills..." Wapow! And then the sexual harassment would stop, to be fair. So maybe that was his whole thing. It was just getting guys to take their shirts off. Or maybe there was something about me with my shirt off that stops sexual harassment.

You know, that story has two morals. One, now you know that. You didn't used to.

The other moral is this. You should get vaccinated and get a booster and all of that. But... these days, when you hear people be like, "Just trust doctors..." Anytime you hear someone say, "Trust doctors," just remember, somewhere, in a kitchenette... sits Dr. Michael. And if he's so trustworthy, why is Minerva always sleeping?

So they took my prescriptions. They take my prescriptions. Now this was all at four o'clock in the morning when I first checked into rehab. Let's flash forward 12 hours now to 4:00 p.m. that same day. I'm in my hospital room, in the detox hospital at this rehab. I had to go to detox for like four or five days when I first got there 'cause of everything in my system.

I'm in my hospital room. I've been in rehab at this point for 12 hours. I have not gone to sleep during that time. And my total time awake to this point is 50 hours.

Now, the doctors are trying to give me a bunch of medication to calm me down. But by this point in my life, my tolerance for sedatives was superhuman. No matter what they give me, they cannot subdue me. I'm like the great Rasputin, they cannot bring me to my knees.