Now this next piece of material is real simple. it’s called free-floating hostility. 24 minor cultural items I’m bored with, tired of, and pissed at. So i hope you’re ready for a little random anger:
People… people… PEOPLE who make quote marks in the air with their fingers. Are you tired of these people yet? He said he was “Sober”. hey lady, “EAT ME”!
Budda-boom budda-bing. The next guy who says to me “budda-boom budda-bing” is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts. Budda-boom mother-fucker! You want to try budda-bing?
Bad hair day. Where did this shit come from? What a superficial culture. Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt. It’s a good thing Lewis and Clark never had a bad hair day, or Daniel Boone huh? Custer? He had a REALLY bad hair day. But he had it coming, that blond, blue-eyed, criminal fuck
What about these guys that tell you: “I heard that…”, “I heard that…”, oh you did did you? Well isn’t this exciting… what is this, a fucking hearing test? Did I wonder into a beltone commercial here? Of course you “heard” you fucking nimrod. I’m standing right next to ya… I’m going to move down here… I’m going to move a little farther away… BLOW ME! by any chance did you hear that?
What about these people who tell you their needs aren’t being met? You run into this stuff? this is support-group shit, twelve-steppers. “my needs aren’t being met”. Know what i tell them? “DROP SOME OF YOUR NEEDS”. Life is a zero-sum game
What else is troubling me? Mickey Mouse’s birthday being announced on the television news as if it’s an actual event! I don’t give a shit! if i cared about Mickey Mouse’s birthday, I’d have memorized it years ago, and I’d send him a card: “Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday, love George”. I don’t do that, why? I don’t give a shit! Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick, then break it off and beat him with the rest of it. I hope mickey dies. I do, I hope he god-damn dies. I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten, behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom, in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy’s pants. Mickey Mouse – no wonder no one in the world takes our country seriously. We're wasting valuable television-time, informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!
Now let me ask you this: the two pandas in the zoo, do you care if they fuck? I don’t. why don’t they stop telling me on the news “the pandas didn’t fuck again this year”. I’m not concerned! I have no emotional stake in panda fucking, all right? If they want to, they will. If not, they’ll watch the Price is Right! Probably the only reason they’re not doing it on time is ’cause some jack-off from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them. Could you get a hard-on if some guy in a green t-shirt with a stopwatch was taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? leave these creatures alone!
And as long as were talking about the news, i don’t want to hear anything more about sperm-egg donor, surrogate, in vetro, test-tube, biological, adoptive foster parents who want their baby back. Baby Jane, Baby Ruth, Baby this, Baby that, Baby it’s cold outside, I don’t give a shit! Leave me alone and keep it off my TV! Sick American shit!
I’m also tired of hearing about “innocent victims”. This is an outmoded idea. There are no “innocent victims”. If you live on this planet, you’re guilty. Period. Fuck you. End of report, next case. NEXT FUCKING CASE! Next case! Your birth certificate is proof of guilt
And what happened in this country that now suddenly everyone is walking around with their own personal bottle of water? When did we get so thirsty in America? Is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids with them at all times? Get a drink before you leave the house!
Another crime against society: hyphenated names. Hey lady, pick a fucking name would you please? Pick a fucking name. “Hi I’m Emily Jericho-Fordescu”. Hi I’m George jerk-me-off-fuck-you-too. You don’t acquire personal dignity by adding a name to your name. Feminists think it’s a “radical act”. It’s not. Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a coke bottle is a radical act. Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit
And what is going on with all these telephone-calling plans? MCI, AT&T, is this shit really necessary? When did the phone bill become life’s most critical document? In a country where you can buy cinnamon dental floss, cheese in a spray can, and eatable women’s panties, are people really breaking their balls to save nine cents on a fucking phone call? Talking to your mother once a year might not be the most pleasant thing in the world, but it should not be seen as a critical spending decision
Something else I don’t understand: motivation tapes. Motivation books. What happened here? Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated? It’s a fairly simple thing. Either you want to do something or you don’t. What’s the big mystery? Besides, if you’re motivated enough to go the store to buy a motivation book, aren’t you motivated enough to do that so you don’t need the book? Put it back. Tell the clerk “fuck you”, “I’m motivated”, “I’m going home”, “I’m going home”
People… people… PEOPLE who make quote marks in the air with their fingers. Are you tired of these people yet? He said he was “Sober”. hey lady, “EAT ME”!
Budda-boom budda-bing. The next guy who says to me “budda-boom budda-bing” is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts. Budda-boom mother-fucker! You want to try budda-bing?
Bad hair day. Where did this shit come from? What a superficial culture. Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt. It’s a good thing Lewis and Clark never had a bad hair day, or Daniel Boone huh? Custer? He had a REALLY bad hair day. But he had it coming, that blond, blue-eyed, criminal fuck
What about these guys that tell you: “I heard that…”, “I heard that…”, oh you did did you? Well isn’t this exciting… what is this, a fucking hearing test? Did I wonder into a beltone commercial here? Of course you “heard” you fucking nimrod. I’m standing right next to ya… I’m going to move down here… I’m going to move a little farther away… BLOW ME! by any chance did you hear that?
What about these people who tell you their needs aren’t being met? You run into this stuff? this is support-group shit, twelve-steppers. “my needs aren’t being met”. Know what i tell them? “DROP SOME OF YOUR NEEDS”. Life is a zero-sum game
What else is troubling me? Mickey Mouse’s birthday being announced on the television news as if it’s an actual event! I don’t give a shit! if i cared about Mickey Mouse’s birthday, I’d have memorized it years ago, and I’d send him a card: “Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday, love George”. I don’t do that, why? I don’t give a shit! Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick, then break it off and beat him with the rest of it. I hope mickey dies. I do, I hope he god-damn dies. I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten, behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom, in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy’s pants. Mickey Mouse – no wonder no one in the world takes our country seriously. We're wasting valuable television-time, informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!
Now let me ask you this: the two pandas in the zoo, do you care if they fuck? I don’t. why don’t they stop telling me on the news “the pandas didn’t fuck again this year”. I’m not concerned! I have no emotional stake in panda fucking, all right? If they want to, they will. If not, they’ll watch the Price is Right! Probably the only reason they’re not doing it on time is ’cause some jack-off from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them. Could you get a hard-on if some guy in a green t-shirt with a stopwatch was taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? leave these creatures alone!
And as long as were talking about the news, i don’t want to hear anything more about sperm-egg donor, surrogate, in vetro, test-tube, biological, adoptive foster parents who want their baby back. Baby Jane, Baby Ruth, Baby this, Baby that, Baby it’s cold outside, I don’t give a shit! Leave me alone and keep it off my TV! Sick American shit!
I’m also tired of hearing about “innocent victims”. This is an outmoded idea. There are no “innocent victims”. If you live on this planet, you’re guilty. Period. Fuck you. End of report, next case. NEXT FUCKING CASE! Next case! Your birth certificate is proof of guilt
And what happened in this country that now suddenly everyone is walking around with their own personal bottle of water? When did we get so thirsty in America? Is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids with them at all times? Get a drink before you leave the house!
Another crime against society: hyphenated names. Hey lady, pick a fucking name would you please? Pick a fucking name. “Hi I’m Emily Jericho-Fordescu”. Hi I’m George jerk-me-off-fuck-you-too. You don’t acquire personal dignity by adding a name to your name. Feminists think it’s a “radical act”. It’s not. Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a coke bottle is a radical act. Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit
And what is going on with all these telephone-calling plans? MCI, AT&T, is this shit really necessary? When did the phone bill become life’s most critical document? In a country where you can buy cinnamon dental floss, cheese in a spray can, and eatable women’s panties, are people really breaking their balls to save nine cents on a fucking phone call? Talking to your mother once a year might not be the most pleasant thing in the world, but it should not be seen as a critical spending decision
Something else I don’t understand: motivation tapes. Motivation books. What happened here? Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated? It’s a fairly simple thing. Either you want to do something or you don’t. What’s the big mystery? Besides, if you’re motivated enough to go the store to buy a motivation book, aren’t you motivated enough to do that so you don’t need the book? Put it back. Tell the clerk “fuck you”, “I’m motivated”, “I’m going home”, “I’m going home”
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