Ad Infinitum The Stupendium

[Intro]
Whoa, if it isn't a Lightner
Hey, hey, hey!
Looks like you’re all alone on a late night
All your friends abandoned you for the slime you are?
Sales gone down the drain, drain?
Living in a goddamn garbage can?
Hahahaha!
Friend, either you're closing your eyes
To savings you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of discounts
Indicated by the presence of a heart-shaped object
In your community

[Verse 1]
Hey kid, look at you! Right time, right place
Ripe for the picking, right monеy in your pocket
You’re so lucky! Very lucky! Oh, so vеry, very lucky
That you get to be investing in this very special product
From everybody's favorite number-one rated salesman, circa 1997
Mighty proud to say it, mighty proud to say it
Yes, I’m mighty proud to say it, yes sir
Don’t you want to have a little fun, little sponge?
Little something to pluck you from the glum humdrum?
Live comfortably, capital at risk, yum-yum!
Listen up! For the offer only comes just once
Hey, chum! I can see you're having violent thoughts
But don't you wanna, wanna be a, be a big shot?
Inquire today while the secret's in stock
All you gotta do is hyperlink blocked
I used to be nothing but the email guy
Now I'm the "It burns! Ow! Stop! Help me! It burns!" guy
Hahahaha!