I Saw a White Lady Standing on the Street Just Sobbing (And I Think About It Once a Week) John Mulaney

[ALEX J.]
I saw a white lady standin' on the street just sobbin'
And I think about it once a week
It was two years ago
Christmas time, foot of snow
Passing through Union Square
And I saw this crying white lady just kinda standin' there

[ALEX J. (spoken)]
Funny, what if instead of getting on the subway with my entire class for our field trip to look at bugs, I'd walked over

[ALEX J.]
I approach, she's demure
She thinks "Who is this four-foot bachelor?"
So my hand, I extend
And say, "I'm Alex J., and you look like you need a friend
Why are you crying in a public place?
Perhaps a friend of yours was fake to your face
Or did you just come from Trader Joe's
And you paid too much for your avocados?"
No Kleenex in her purse
I've a handkerchief for her—of course
Monogrammed, "Alex J"
"Keep it, ma'am
Because you're just havin' one of those days."