Setting
The dining room of a fairly large suburban house, belonging to a prosperous manufacturer. It has good solid furniture of the period. The general effect is substantial and heavily comfortable, but not cosy and homelike. (If a realistic set is used, then it should be swung back, as it was in the production at the New Theatre. By doing this, you can have the dining-table centre downstage during Act One, when it is needed there, and then, swinging back, can reveal the fireplace for Act Two, and then for Act Three can show a small table with telephone on it, downstage of fireplace.. By this time the dining-table and its chairs have moved well upstage. Producers who wish to avoid this tricky business, which involves two re-settings of the scene and some very accurate adjustments of the extra flats necessary would be well advised to dispense of an ordinary realistic set, if only because the dining table becomes a nuisance. The lighting should be pink and intimate until the INSPECTOR arrives, and then it should be brighter and harder.)
At rise of curtain, the four BIRLINGS and GERALD are seated at the table, with ARTHUR BIRLING at one end, his wife at the other, ERIC downstage, and SHEILA and GERALD seated upstage. EDNA, the parlourmaid, is just clearing the table, which has no cloth, of dessert plates and champagne glasses, etc., and replacing them with decanter of port, cigar box and cigarettes. Port glasses are already on the table. All five are in the evening dress of the period, the men in tails and white ties, not dinner jackets. ARTHUR BIRLING is a heavy looking, rather portentous looking man in his middle fifties but rather provincial in his speech. His wife is about fifty, a rather cold woman and her husband's social superior. SHEILA is a pretty girl in her early twenties, very pleased with life and rather excited. GERALD CROFT is an attractive chap about thirty, rather too manly to be a dandy but very much the easy well-bred man about town. ERIC is in his early twenties, not quite at ease, half shy, half assertive. At the moment they have all had a good dinner, are celebrating a special occasion, and are pleased with themselves.
Act One
Arthur Birling: Giving us the port, Edna? That’s right. ( he pushes it towards Eric..) you ought to like this port, Gerald, as a matter of fact, Finchley told me it's exactly the same port your father gets from him.
Gerald: Then it'll be all right. The governor prides himself on being a good judge of port. I don’t pretend to know much about it.
Sheila: (gaily, possessively) I should jolly well think not, Gerald, I'd hate you to know all about port – like one of these purple-faced old men.
Arthur Birling: here , I’m not a purple-faced old man.
Sheila Birling: no, not yet. But then you don't know all about port – do you?
Birling: (noticing that his wife has not taken any) Now then, Sybil, you must a take a little tonight. Special occasion, y'know, eh?
Sheila: Yes, go on, mummy. You must drink our health.
Mrs Birling : (smiling) Very well, then. Just a little, thank you.(to Edna, who is about to go, with tray.) all right, Edna. I'll ring from the drawing room when we want coffee. Probably in about half an hour.
Edna: (going) Yes, ma'am.
Edna goes out. They now have all the glasses filled. Birling beams at them and clearly relaxes.
Birling: Well, well – this is very nice. Very nice. Good dinner too, Sybil. Tell cook from me.
Gerald: (politely) Absolutely first class.
Mrs Birling: (reproachfully) Arthur, you're not supposed to say such things-
Birling: Oh – come come – I’m treating Gerald like one of the family. And I'm sure he won't object.
Sheila: (with mocking aggressiveness) Go on, Gerald – just you object!
Gerald: (smiling) Wouldn't dream of it. In fact, I insist upon being one of the family now. I've been trying long enough, haven't I? (as she does not reply, with more insistence.) Haven't I? You know I have.
Mrs Birling: (smiling) Of course she does.
Sheila: (half serious, half playful) Yes – except for all last summer, when you never came near me, and I wondered what had happened to you.
Gerald: And I’ve told you – I was awfully busy at the works all that time.
Sheila: (same tone as before) Yes,that's what you say.
Mrs Birling: Now, Sheila, don't tease him. When you're married you'll realize that men with important work to do sometimes have to spend nearly all their time and energy on their business. You'll have to get used to that, just as I had.
Sheila: I don't believe I will. (half playful, half serious, to Gerald.) So you be careful.
Gerald: Oh – I will, I will.
Eric suddenly guffaws. His parents look at him.
Sheila: (severely) Now – what's the joke?
Eric: I don't know – really. Suddenly I felt I just had to laugh.
Sheila: You're squiffy.
Eric: I’m not.
Mrs Birling: What an expression, Sheila! Really the things you girls pick up these days!
Eric: If you think that's the best she can do-
Sheila: Don't be an ass, Eric.
Mrs Birling: Now stop it, you two. Arthur, what about this famous toast of yours?
Birling: Yes, of course. (clears his throat.) Well, Gerald, I know you agreed that we should only have this quiet little family party. It's a pity sir George and – we – lady croft can't be with us, but they're abroad and so it can't be helped. As I told you, they sent me a very nice cable – couldn't be nicer. I'm not sorry that we're celebrating quietly like this-
Mrs Birling: Much nicer really.
Gerald: I agree.
Birling: So do I, but it makes speech-making more difficult-
Eric: (not too rudely) Well . Don't do any. We'll drink their health and have done with it.
Birling: No, we won't. It's one of the happiest nights of my life. And one day, I hope, Eric, when you've a daughter of your own, you'll understand why. Gerald, I’m going to tell you frankly, without any pretences, that your engagement to Sheila means a tremendous lot to me. She'll make you happy, and I’m sure you'll make her happy. You're just the kind of son-in-law I always wanted. Your father and I have been friendly rivals in business for some time now – though crofts limited are both older and bigger than Birling and company – and now you've brought us together, and perhaps we may look forward to the time when Crofts and Birlings are no longer competing but are working together – for lower costs and higher prices.
Gerald: Hear, hear! And I think my father would agree to that.
Mrs Birling: Now, Arthur, I don't think you ought to talk business on an occasion like this.
Sheila: Neither do I. All wrong.
Birling: Quite so, I agree with you. I only mentioned it in passin. What I did want to say was – that Sheila’s a lucky girl – and I think you're a pretty fortunate young man too, Gerald.
Gerald: I know I am – this once anyhow.
Birling: (raising his glass) So here's wishing the pair of you – the very best that life can bring. Gerald and Sheila.
Mrs Birling: (raising her glass, smiling) Yes, Gerald. Yes, Sheila darling. Our congratulations and very best wishes!
Gerald: Thank you.
Mrs Birling: Eric!
Eric: (rather noisily) All the best! She's got a nasty temper sometimes – but she's not bad really. Good old Sheila!
Sheila: Chump! I can't drink to this, can I? When do I drink?
Gerald: You can drink to me.
Sheila: (quiet and serious now) All right then. I drink to you, Gerald.
//for a moment they look at each other//
Gerald: (quietly) Thank you. And I drink to you – and hope I can make you as happy as you deserve to be.
Shelia: (trying to be light and easy) You be careful – or I’ll start weeping.
Gerald: (smiling) Well, perhaps this will help to stop it. (he produces a ring case.)
Sheila: (excited) Oh – Gerald – you’ve got it – is it the one you wanted me to have?
Gerald: (giving the case to her) Yes – the very one.
Sheila: (taking out the ring) Oh – it's wonderful! Look – mummy – isn't it a beauty? Oh – darling -
(she kisses Gerald hastily.)
Eric: steady the buffs!
Sheila: (who has put the ring on, admiringly) I think it's perfect. Now I really feel engaged.
Mrs Birling: So you ought, darling. It's a lovely ring. Be careful with it.
Sheila: careful! I'll never let it go out of my sight for an instant.
Mrs Birling: (smiling) Well, it came just at the right moment. That was clever of you, Gerald. Now, Arthur, if you've no more to say, I think Sheila and I had better go into the drawing room and leave you men-
Birling: (rather heavily) I just want to say this.(noticing that Sheila is still admiring her ring.) are you listening, Sheila? This concerns you too. And after all I don't often make speeches at you -
Sheila: I’m sorry, daddy. Actually I was listening.
//she looks attentive, as they all do. He holds them for a moment before continuing.//
Birling: I’m delighted about this engagement and I hope it won't be too long before you're married. And I want to say this. There's a good deal of silly talk about these days – but – and I speak as a hard-headed business man, who has to take risks and know what he's about – I say, you can ignore all this silly pessimistic talk. When you marry, you'll be marrying at a very good time. Yes, a very good time – and soon it'll be an even better time. Last month, just because the miners came out on strike, there's a lot of wild talk about possible labour trouble in the near future. Don't worry. We've passed the worst of it. We employers at last are coming together to see that our interests – and the interests of capital – are properly protected. And we're in for a time of steadily increasing prosperity.
Gerald: I believe you're right, sir.
Eric: What about war?
Birling: Glad you mentioned it, Eric. I'm coming to that. Just because the kaiser makes a speech or two, or a few german officers have too much to drink and begin taking nonsense, you'll hear some people say that war's inevitable. And to that I say – fiddlesticks! The germans don't want war. Nobody wants war, except some half-civilized folks in the Balkans. And why? There's too much at stake these days. Everything to lose and nothing to gain by war.
Eric: Yes, I know – but still -
Birling: Just let me finish, Eric. You've a lot to learn yet. And I’m taking as a hard headed, practical man of business. And I say there isn't a chance of war. The world's developing so fast that it'll make war impossible. Look at the progress we're making. In a year or two we'll have aeroplanes that will be able to go anywhere. And look at the way the auto-mobile's making headway – bigger and faster all the time. And then ships. Why, a friend of mine went over this new liner last week – the titanic – she sails next week – forty-six thousand eight hundred tons – new york in five days – and every luxury – and unsinkable, absolutely unsinkable. That's what you've got to keep your eye on, facts like that, progress like that – and not a few german officers taking nonsense and a few scaremongers here making a fuss about nothing. Now you three young people, just listen to this – and remember what I’m telling you now. In twenty or thirty year's time – let's say, in 1940 – you may be giving a little party like this – your son or daughter might be getting engaged – and I tell you, by that time you'll be living in a world that'll have forgotten all these capital versus labour agitations and all these silly little war scares. There'll be peace and prosperity and rapid progress everywhere – except of course in russia, which will always be behindhand naturally.
Mrs Birling: Arthur!
// has Mrs Birling shows signs of interrupting.//
Birling: Yes, my dear, I know – I’m talking too much. But you youngsters just remember what I Said. We can't let these Bernard Shaws and H.G.Wellses do all the talking. We hard-headed practical business men must say something sometime. And we don't guess – we've had experience - and we know.
Mrs Birling. (rising. The others rise) Yes, of course, dear. Well don't keep Gerald in here too long. Eric – I want you a minute.
// she and Sheila and Eric go out. Birling and Gerald sit down again.//
Birling: Cigar?
Gerald: No, thanks. Can't really enjoy them.
Birling: (taking one himself) Ah, you don't know what you're missing. I like a good cigar. (indicating decanter.) help yourself.
Gerald: Thank you.
// Birling lights his cigar and Gerald, who had lit a cigarette, helps himself to port, then pushes the decanter to Birling.//
Birling: Thanks. (confidentially.) by the way, there's something I’d like to mention – in strict confidence – while we're by ourselves. I have an idea that your mother – lady croft – while she doesn't object to my girl – feels you might have done better for yourself socially -
// Gerald, rather embarrassed, begins to murmur some dissent, but Birling checks him.//
No, Gerald, that's all right. Don't blame her. She comes from an old country family – landed people and so forth – and so it's only natural. But what I wanted to say is – there's a fair chance that I might find my way into the next honours list. Just a knighthood, of course.
Gerald: Oh – I say – congratulations!
Birling: Thanks, but it's a bit too early for that. So don't say anything. But I’ve had a hint or two. You see, I was Lord Mayor here two years ago when royalty visited us. And I’ve always been regarded as a sound useful party man. So – well – I gather there's a very good chance of a knighthood – so long as we behave ourselfs, don't get into the police court or start a scandal – eh? ( laughs complacently.)
Gerald: (laughs) You seem to be a nice well-behaved family -
Birling: We think we are -
Gerald: So if that's the only obstacle, sir , I think you might as well accept my congratulations now.
Birling: No, no, I couldn't do that. And don't say anything yet.
Gerald: Not even to my mother? I know she'd be delighted.
Birling: Well, when she comes back, you might drop a hint to her. And you can promise her that we'll try to keep out of trouble during the next few months.
//they both laugh. Eric enters//
Eric: What's the joke? Started telling stories?
Birling: No. want another glass of port?
Eric: (sitting down) Yes, please. (takes decanter and helps himself.) mother says we mustn't stay too long. But I don't think it matters. I left'em talking about clothes again. You'd think a girl had never any clothes before she gets married. Women are potty about 'em.
Birling: Yes, but you've got to remember, my boy, that clothes mean something quite different to a woman. Not just something to wear – and not only something to make 'em look prettier – but – well, a sort of sign or token of their self-respect.
Gerald: That's true.
Eric: (eagerly) Yes, I remember – (but he checks himself.)
Birling: Well, what do you remember?
Eric: (confused) Nothing.
Birling: Nothing?
Gerald: (amused) Sounds a bit fishy to me.
Birling: (taking it in the same manner) Yes, you don't know what some of these boys get up to nowadays. More money to spend and time to spare than I had when I was Eric’s age. They worked us hard in those days and kept us short of cash. Thought even then – we broke out and had a bit of fun sometimes.
Gerald: I’ll bet you did.
Birling: (solemnly) But this is the point. I don't want to lecture you two young fellows again. But what so many of you don't seem to understand now, when things are so much easier, is that a man has to make his own way – has to look after himself – and his family too, of course, when he has one – and so long as he does that he won't come to much harm. But the way some of these cranks talk and write now, you'd think everybody has to look after everybody else, as if we were all mixed up together like bees in a hive – community and all that nonsense. But take my word for it, you youngsters – and I’ve learnt in the good hard school of experience – that a man has to mind his own business and look after himself and his own – and -
// we hear the sharp ring of a door bell. Birling stops to listen.//
Eric: Somebody at the front door.
Birling: Edna'll answer it. Well, have another glass of port, Gerald – and then we'll join the ladies. That'll stop me giving you good advice.
Eric: Yes, you've piled it on a bit tonight, father.
Birling: Special occasion. And feeling contented, for once, I wanted you to have the benefit of my experience.
// Edna enters//
Edna: Please, sir, an inspector's called.
Birling: An inspector? What kind of inspector?
Edna: A police inspector. He says his name's Inspector Goole.
Birling: Don't know him. Does he want to see me?
Edna: Yes, sir. He says it's important.
Birling: All right, Edna. Show him in here. Give us some more light.
// Edna does, then goes out.//
I’m still on the bench. It may be something about a warrant.
Gerald: (lightly) Sure to be. Unless Eric’s been up to something. (nodding confidentially to Birling.) and that would be awkward, wouldn't it?
Birling: ( humorously ) Very.
Eric: (who is uneasy, sharply) Here, what do you mean?
Gerald: (lightly) Only something we were talking about when you were out. A joke really.
Eric: (still uneasy) Well, I don't think it's very funny.
Birling: (sharply, staring at him) what's the matter with you?
Eric: (defiantly) Nothing.
Edna: (opening door, and announcing) Inspector Goole.
// the Inspector enters, and Edna goes, closing door after her. The Inspector need not be a big man but he creates at once an impression of massiveness, solidity and purposefulness. He is a man in his fifties, dressed in a plain darkish suit of the period. He speaks carefully, weightily, and has a disconcerting habit of looking hard at the person he addresses before actually speaking.//
Inspector: Mr Birling?
Birling: Yes. Sit down Inspector.
Inspector: (sitting) Thank you, sir.
Birling: Have a glass of port – or a little whisky?
Inspector: No, thank you, Mr Birling. I'm on duty.
Birling: You're new, aren't you?
Inspector: Yes, sir. Only recently transferred.
Birling: I thought you must be. I was an alderman for years – and lord mayor two years ago – and I’m still on the bench – so I know the brumley police offices pretty well – and I thought I’d never seen you before.
Inspector: Quite so.
Birling: Well, what can I do for you? Some trouble about a warrant?
Inspector: No, Mr Birling.
Birling: (after a pause, with a touch of impatience) Well, what is it then?
Inspector: I’d like some information, if you don't mind, Mr Birling. Two hours ago a young woman died on the infirmary. She'd been taken there this afternoon because she'd swallowed a lot of strong disinfectant. Burnt her inside out, of course.
Eric: (involuntarily) My god!
Inspector: Yes, she was in great agony. They did everything they could for her at the infirmary, but she died. Suicide, of course.
The dining room of a fairly large suburban house, belonging to a prosperous manufacturer. It has good solid furniture of the period. The general effect is substantial and heavily comfortable, but not cosy and homelike. (If a realistic set is used, then it should be swung back, as it was in the production at the New Theatre. By doing this, you can have the dining-table centre downstage during Act One, when it is needed there, and then, swinging back, can reveal the fireplace for Act Two, and then for Act Three can show a small table with telephone on it, downstage of fireplace.. By this time the dining-table and its chairs have moved well upstage. Producers who wish to avoid this tricky business, which involves two re-settings of the scene and some very accurate adjustments of the extra flats necessary would be well advised to dispense of an ordinary realistic set, if only because the dining table becomes a nuisance. The lighting should be pink and intimate until the INSPECTOR arrives, and then it should be brighter and harder.)
At rise of curtain, the four BIRLINGS and GERALD are seated at the table, with ARTHUR BIRLING at one end, his wife at the other, ERIC downstage, and SHEILA and GERALD seated upstage. EDNA, the parlourmaid, is just clearing the table, which has no cloth, of dessert plates and champagne glasses, etc., and replacing them with decanter of port, cigar box and cigarettes. Port glasses are already on the table. All five are in the evening dress of the period, the men in tails and white ties, not dinner jackets. ARTHUR BIRLING is a heavy looking, rather portentous looking man in his middle fifties but rather provincial in his speech. His wife is about fifty, a rather cold woman and her husband's social superior. SHEILA is a pretty girl in her early twenties, very pleased with life and rather excited. GERALD CROFT is an attractive chap about thirty, rather too manly to be a dandy but very much the easy well-bred man about town. ERIC is in his early twenties, not quite at ease, half shy, half assertive. At the moment they have all had a good dinner, are celebrating a special occasion, and are pleased with themselves.
Act One
Arthur Birling: Giving us the port, Edna? That’s right. ( he pushes it towards Eric..) you ought to like this port, Gerald, as a matter of fact, Finchley told me it's exactly the same port your father gets from him.
Gerald: Then it'll be all right. The governor prides himself on being a good judge of port. I don’t pretend to know much about it.
Sheila: (gaily, possessively) I should jolly well think not, Gerald, I'd hate you to know all about port – like one of these purple-faced old men.
Arthur Birling: here , I’m not a purple-faced old man.
Sheila Birling: no, not yet. But then you don't know all about port – do you?
Birling: (noticing that his wife has not taken any) Now then, Sybil, you must a take a little tonight. Special occasion, y'know, eh?
Sheila: Yes, go on, mummy. You must drink our health.
Mrs Birling : (smiling) Very well, then. Just a little, thank you.(to Edna, who is about to go, with tray.) all right, Edna. I'll ring from the drawing room when we want coffee. Probably in about half an hour.
Edna: (going) Yes, ma'am.
Edna goes out. They now have all the glasses filled. Birling beams at them and clearly relaxes.
Birling: Well, well – this is very nice. Very nice. Good dinner too, Sybil. Tell cook from me.
Gerald: (politely) Absolutely first class.
Mrs Birling: (reproachfully) Arthur, you're not supposed to say such things-
Birling: Oh – come come – I’m treating Gerald like one of the family. And I'm sure he won't object.
Sheila: (with mocking aggressiveness) Go on, Gerald – just you object!
Gerald: (smiling) Wouldn't dream of it. In fact, I insist upon being one of the family now. I've been trying long enough, haven't I? (as she does not reply, with more insistence.) Haven't I? You know I have.
Mrs Birling: (smiling) Of course she does.
Sheila: (half serious, half playful) Yes – except for all last summer, when you never came near me, and I wondered what had happened to you.
Gerald: And I’ve told you – I was awfully busy at the works all that time.
Sheila: (same tone as before) Yes,that's what you say.
Mrs Birling: Now, Sheila, don't tease him. When you're married you'll realize that men with important work to do sometimes have to spend nearly all their time and energy on their business. You'll have to get used to that, just as I had.
Sheila: I don't believe I will. (half playful, half serious, to Gerald.) So you be careful.
Gerald: Oh – I will, I will.
Eric suddenly guffaws. His parents look at him.
Sheila: (severely) Now – what's the joke?
Eric: I don't know – really. Suddenly I felt I just had to laugh.
Sheila: You're squiffy.
Eric: I’m not.
Mrs Birling: What an expression, Sheila! Really the things you girls pick up these days!
Eric: If you think that's the best she can do-
Sheila: Don't be an ass, Eric.
Mrs Birling: Now stop it, you two. Arthur, what about this famous toast of yours?
Birling: Yes, of course. (clears his throat.) Well, Gerald, I know you agreed that we should only have this quiet little family party. It's a pity sir George and – we – lady croft can't be with us, but they're abroad and so it can't be helped. As I told you, they sent me a very nice cable – couldn't be nicer. I'm not sorry that we're celebrating quietly like this-
Mrs Birling: Much nicer really.
Gerald: I agree.
Birling: So do I, but it makes speech-making more difficult-
Eric: (not too rudely) Well . Don't do any. We'll drink their health and have done with it.
Birling: No, we won't. It's one of the happiest nights of my life. And one day, I hope, Eric, when you've a daughter of your own, you'll understand why. Gerald, I’m going to tell you frankly, without any pretences, that your engagement to Sheila means a tremendous lot to me. She'll make you happy, and I’m sure you'll make her happy. You're just the kind of son-in-law I always wanted. Your father and I have been friendly rivals in business for some time now – though crofts limited are both older and bigger than Birling and company – and now you've brought us together, and perhaps we may look forward to the time when Crofts and Birlings are no longer competing but are working together – for lower costs and higher prices.
Gerald: Hear, hear! And I think my father would agree to that.
Mrs Birling: Now, Arthur, I don't think you ought to talk business on an occasion like this.
Sheila: Neither do I. All wrong.
Birling: Quite so, I agree with you. I only mentioned it in passin. What I did want to say was – that Sheila’s a lucky girl – and I think you're a pretty fortunate young man too, Gerald.
Gerald: I know I am – this once anyhow.
Birling: (raising his glass) So here's wishing the pair of you – the very best that life can bring. Gerald and Sheila.
Mrs Birling: (raising her glass, smiling) Yes, Gerald. Yes, Sheila darling. Our congratulations and very best wishes!
Gerald: Thank you.
Mrs Birling: Eric!
Eric: (rather noisily) All the best! She's got a nasty temper sometimes – but she's not bad really. Good old Sheila!
Sheila: Chump! I can't drink to this, can I? When do I drink?
Gerald: You can drink to me.
Sheila: (quiet and serious now) All right then. I drink to you, Gerald.
//for a moment they look at each other//
Gerald: (quietly) Thank you. And I drink to you – and hope I can make you as happy as you deserve to be.
Shelia: (trying to be light and easy) You be careful – or I’ll start weeping.
Gerald: (smiling) Well, perhaps this will help to stop it. (he produces a ring case.)
Sheila: (excited) Oh – Gerald – you’ve got it – is it the one you wanted me to have?
Gerald: (giving the case to her) Yes – the very one.
Sheila: (taking out the ring) Oh – it's wonderful! Look – mummy – isn't it a beauty? Oh – darling -
(she kisses Gerald hastily.)
Eric: steady the buffs!
Sheila: (who has put the ring on, admiringly) I think it's perfect. Now I really feel engaged.
Mrs Birling: So you ought, darling. It's a lovely ring. Be careful with it.
Sheila: careful! I'll never let it go out of my sight for an instant.
Mrs Birling: (smiling) Well, it came just at the right moment. That was clever of you, Gerald. Now, Arthur, if you've no more to say, I think Sheila and I had better go into the drawing room and leave you men-
Birling: (rather heavily) I just want to say this.(noticing that Sheila is still admiring her ring.) are you listening, Sheila? This concerns you too. And after all I don't often make speeches at you -
Sheila: I’m sorry, daddy. Actually I was listening.
//she looks attentive, as they all do. He holds them for a moment before continuing.//
Birling: I’m delighted about this engagement and I hope it won't be too long before you're married. And I want to say this. There's a good deal of silly talk about these days – but – and I speak as a hard-headed business man, who has to take risks and know what he's about – I say, you can ignore all this silly pessimistic talk. When you marry, you'll be marrying at a very good time. Yes, a very good time – and soon it'll be an even better time. Last month, just because the miners came out on strike, there's a lot of wild talk about possible labour trouble in the near future. Don't worry. We've passed the worst of it. We employers at last are coming together to see that our interests – and the interests of capital – are properly protected. And we're in for a time of steadily increasing prosperity.
Gerald: I believe you're right, sir.
Eric: What about war?
Birling: Glad you mentioned it, Eric. I'm coming to that. Just because the kaiser makes a speech or two, or a few german officers have too much to drink and begin taking nonsense, you'll hear some people say that war's inevitable. And to that I say – fiddlesticks! The germans don't want war. Nobody wants war, except some half-civilized folks in the Balkans. And why? There's too much at stake these days. Everything to lose and nothing to gain by war.
Eric: Yes, I know – but still -
Birling: Just let me finish, Eric. You've a lot to learn yet. And I’m taking as a hard headed, practical man of business. And I say there isn't a chance of war. The world's developing so fast that it'll make war impossible. Look at the progress we're making. In a year or two we'll have aeroplanes that will be able to go anywhere. And look at the way the auto-mobile's making headway – bigger and faster all the time. And then ships. Why, a friend of mine went over this new liner last week – the titanic – she sails next week – forty-six thousand eight hundred tons – new york in five days – and every luxury – and unsinkable, absolutely unsinkable. That's what you've got to keep your eye on, facts like that, progress like that – and not a few german officers taking nonsense and a few scaremongers here making a fuss about nothing. Now you three young people, just listen to this – and remember what I’m telling you now. In twenty or thirty year's time – let's say, in 1940 – you may be giving a little party like this – your son or daughter might be getting engaged – and I tell you, by that time you'll be living in a world that'll have forgotten all these capital versus labour agitations and all these silly little war scares. There'll be peace and prosperity and rapid progress everywhere – except of course in russia, which will always be behindhand naturally.
Mrs Birling: Arthur!
// has Mrs Birling shows signs of interrupting.//
Birling: Yes, my dear, I know – I’m talking too much. But you youngsters just remember what I Said. We can't let these Bernard Shaws and H.G.Wellses do all the talking. We hard-headed practical business men must say something sometime. And we don't guess – we've had experience - and we know.
Mrs Birling. (rising. The others rise) Yes, of course, dear. Well don't keep Gerald in here too long. Eric – I want you a minute.
// she and Sheila and Eric go out. Birling and Gerald sit down again.//
Birling: Cigar?
Gerald: No, thanks. Can't really enjoy them.
Birling: (taking one himself) Ah, you don't know what you're missing. I like a good cigar. (indicating decanter.) help yourself.
Gerald: Thank you.
// Birling lights his cigar and Gerald, who had lit a cigarette, helps himself to port, then pushes the decanter to Birling.//
Birling: Thanks. (confidentially.) by the way, there's something I’d like to mention – in strict confidence – while we're by ourselves. I have an idea that your mother – lady croft – while she doesn't object to my girl – feels you might have done better for yourself socially -
// Gerald, rather embarrassed, begins to murmur some dissent, but Birling checks him.//
No, Gerald, that's all right. Don't blame her. She comes from an old country family – landed people and so forth – and so it's only natural. But what I wanted to say is – there's a fair chance that I might find my way into the next honours list. Just a knighthood, of course.
Gerald: Oh – I say – congratulations!
Birling: Thanks, but it's a bit too early for that. So don't say anything. But I’ve had a hint or two. You see, I was Lord Mayor here two years ago when royalty visited us. And I’ve always been regarded as a sound useful party man. So – well – I gather there's a very good chance of a knighthood – so long as we behave ourselfs, don't get into the police court or start a scandal – eh? ( laughs complacently.)
Gerald: (laughs) You seem to be a nice well-behaved family -
Birling: We think we are -
Gerald: So if that's the only obstacle, sir , I think you might as well accept my congratulations now.
Birling: No, no, I couldn't do that. And don't say anything yet.
Gerald: Not even to my mother? I know she'd be delighted.
Birling: Well, when she comes back, you might drop a hint to her. And you can promise her that we'll try to keep out of trouble during the next few months.
//they both laugh. Eric enters//
Eric: What's the joke? Started telling stories?
Birling: No. want another glass of port?
Eric: (sitting down) Yes, please. (takes decanter and helps himself.) mother says we mustn't stay too long. But I don't think it matters. I left'em talking about clothes again. You'd think a girl had never any clothes before she gets married. Women are potty about 'em.
Birling: Yes, but you've got to remember, my boy, that clothes mean something quite different to a woman. Not just something to wear – and not only something to make 'em look prettier – but – well, a sort of sign or token of their self-respect.
Gerald: That's true.
Eric: (eagerly) Yes, I remember – (but he checks himself.)
Birling: Well, what do you remember?
Eric: (confused) Nothing.
Birling: Nothing?
Gerald: (amused) Sounds a bit fishy to me.
Birling: (taking it in the same manner) Yes, you don't know what some of these boys get up to nowadays. More money to spend and time to spare than I had when I was Eric’s age. They worked us hard in those days and kept us short of cash. Thought even then – we broke out and had a bit of fun sometimes.
Gerald: I’ll bet you did.
Birling: (solemnly) But this is the point. I don't want to lecture you two young fellows again. But what so many of you don't seem to understand now, when things are so much easier, is that a man has to make his own way – has to look after himself – and his family too, of course, when he has one – and so long as he does that he won't come to much harm. But the way some of these cranks talk and write now, you'd think everybody has to look after everybody else, as if we were all mixed up together like bees in a hive – community and all that nonsense. But take my word for it, you youngsters – and I’ve learnt in the good hard school of experience – that a man has to mind his own business and look after himself and his own – and -
// we hear the sharp ring of a door bell. Birling stops to listen.//
Eric: Somebody at the front door.
Birling: Edna'll answer it. Well, have another glass of port, Gerald – and then we'll join the ladies. That'll stop me giving you good advice.
Eric: Yes, you've piled it on a bit tonight, father.
Birling: Special occasion. And feeling contented, for once, I wanted you to have the benefit of my experience.
// Edna enters//
Edna: Please, sir, an inspector's called.
Birling: An inspector? What kind of inspector?
Edna: A police inspector. He says his name's Inspector Goole.
Birling: Don't know him. Does he want to see me?
Edna: Yes, sir. He says it's important.
Birling: All right, Edna. Show him in here. Give us some more light.
// Edna does, then goes out.//
I’m still on the bench. It may be something about a warrant.
Gerald: (lightly) Sure to be. Unless Eric’s been up to something. (nodding confidentially to Birling.) and that would be awkward, wouldn't it?
Birling: ( humorously ) Very.
Eric: (who is uneasy, sharply) Here, what do you mean?
Gerald: (lightly) Only something we were talking about when you were out. A joke really.
Eric: (still uneasy) Well, I don't think it's very funny.
Birling: (sharply, staring at him) what's the matter with you?
Eric: (defiantly) Nothing.
Edna: (opening door, and announcing) Inspector Goole.
// the Inspector enters, and Edna goes, closing door after her. The Inspector need not be a big man but he creates at once an impression of massiveness, solidity and purposefulness. He is a man in his fifties, dressed in a plain darkish suit of the period. He speaks carefully, weightily, and has a disconcerting habit of looking hard at the person he addresses before actually speaking.//
Inspector: Mr Birling?
Birling: Yes. Sit down Inspector.
Inspector: (sitting) Thank you, sir.
Birling: Have a glass of port – or a little whisky?
Inspector: No, thank you, Mr Birling. I'm on duty.
Birling: You're new, aren't you?
Inspector: Yes, sir. Only recently transferred.
Birling: I thought you must be. I was an alderman for years – and lord mayor two years ago – and I’m still on the bench – so I know the brumley police offices pretty well – and I thought I’d never seen you before.
Inspector: Quite so.
Birling: Well, what can I do for you? Some trouble about a warrant?
Inspector: No, Mr Birling.
Birling: (after a pause, with a touch of impatience) Well, what is it then?
Inspector: I’d like some information, if you don't mind, Mr Birling. Two hours ago a young woman died on the infirmary. She'd been taken there this afternoon because she'd swallowed a lot of strong disinfectant. Burnt her inside out, of course.
Eric: (involuntarily) My god!
Inspector: Yes, she was in great agony. They did everything they could for her at the infirmary, but she died. Suicide, of course.
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